Driving While Wet

This appeared Dec. 10, 2006

The news release came across my desk via fax on Tuesday, dated Dec. 1, 2006.

Titled “For Immediate Release” by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Department of Transportation, it read:

HARRISBURG -- “The Department of Transportation announced that a new law, which goes into effect in January, will require motorists to turn on their headlights anytime their wipers are in continuous or intermittent use due to weather or other atmospheric conditions such as fog or mist.

“Motorists who do not comply with the law could face a fine of $25, but with fees and other associated costs, the penalty would approach $100.

Let’s review:

May: Andy Dinniman is elected to the state Senate, the first Democrat since the War Between the States to be so chosen..

December: Pennsylvanians’ civil rights while driving go to Hell in a handbasket.

Q.E.D.

I mean, what’s next? The state telling us that we have to honk the horn every time we put our turn signals on? That we have to pat our heads and rub our stomachs while we use the air conditioning? That we have to put on the emergency flashers while applying lipstick using the vanity mirror? Is there no end to the state’s interference with our right to drive by our own wits?

Duh! You turn the headlights on when it’s dark, not when it’s wet. You gonna tell me I now am required by law to turn on the windshield defroster when there’s a full moon, penalty approaching $100?

I love the wording the folks at PennDOt use, too: “…due to weather, or other atmospheric conditions.” As if there is a day when there isn’t weather. Or an atmosphere, for that matter. How about “…due to pigeon droppings on the windshield?”

I should not be surprised, however, that the folks in Harrisburg are up to nonsense. It’s been that way for years. A little research shows that Pennsylvania has a history of crafting silly motor vehicle laws.

For example, in the not-too-distant past automobiles traveling on country roads at night were told to send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear. If a driver saw a team of horses, he had to pull to one side of the road and drape a blanket that had been painted to blend into the scenery over his Chevy.

Can you imagine driving along Lenape Road and shooting off a Roman candle every time the odometer clicked? The repercussions from neighbors would be immediate and vociferous, not to mention Bam Margera getting another bright idea to keep his name in the news.

I know what you’re saying, especially if you’re a member of local law enforcement. “Safety first.” But here in Chester County, we don’t need headlights to be safe. We’re suburbanites! We drive Hummers. We drive Expeditions. We drive pickup trucks so big they classify as small Third World nations. Other motorists can see us coming home from Philly all the way up in Eagle, rainy day or bright sunshine.

The next thing you know the do-gooders in this country will try to intrude on other facets of our lives, like, say, outlawing trans-fats in the junk food we get at the drive through.

Say what?