This column originally appeared on Sunday, April 26, 2009
Maxwell Perkins, the New Jersey man who edited Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Lardner and Wolfe, was married to the same woman for 37 years. Louise Perkins and Max raised five daughters and honored one another faithfully until his death.
But Louise was not max’s “ideal woman” and at some point he met and fell head over heels for a Virginia born beauty named Elizabeth Lemmon. He wrote her constantly, viewed a visit from her as an occasion better even than the Fourth of July or his birthday, and carried on a platonic love affair with her, under the accepting gaze of Louise, for 25 years – again, until his death.
Which is a roundabout way of saying I’ve been spending a lot of time in Downingtown these days.
Look, we all know how I feel about West Chester – the county seat, the home of the Henderson Warriors, the only place I know where you can eat a hot dog you bought from a guy who can stop a table fan with his tongue in the shadow of a statue named “Old Gory.” I love this place. I honor it daily. I have lived and paid parking tickets here for longer than max knew Elizabeth Lemmon.
But, well, sometimes things change. Eating even the best mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert every day can lead one can lead one to gaze expectantly over at a bowl of Rocky Road. I started going to Downingtown on a regular basis when I began attending the Quaker meeting there. Then I started eating breakfast on Sundays there, and doing a bit of shopping there, and getting my car serviced there, and well, before you know it, I’m going to be entering my own duck in the annual Good Neighbor’s Day Rubber Duck Race along the Brandywine.
It is not as though Downingtown hasn’t caught my eye before. Downingtown was one of the first places I ever visited in Chester County, and I can still recall the sight of the Trestle Bridge as I drove into town on Route 322 in 1979, listening to the Phillies blow another game on my friend’s car radio. (“If these pitchers hang another slider over the plate, I’m going to stop listening to them for ever,” my friend promised me. He lied.) My dear friend and colleague, the late Elene Brown, lived there pretty much all her life, and she loved it so much she didn’t move even after she tried to drive the family van though a flooded section of town and ended up replacing the engine.
I have even suggested in this space that it would be advantageous for West Chester to switch places with Downingtown, since we have no navigable body of water and it does. I wrote, “We get the East Branch of the Brandywine Creek, they get the Goose Creek Waste Water Treatment Plant. We get an easy drive to Wegman’s, and they can have the entire campus of West Chester University, kegs included.” Idea hasn’t gone too far forward, truth be told, but I’ll be willing to give it time.
Here’s what I know about Downingtown:
It was initially called Milltown because it had a lot of mills. The name was switched in 1812 to Downingtown, because one of the mill owners was named Thomas Downing. The Quaker settlers in the borough were, I suppose, hewing to their spiritual quest for simplicity and so didn’t see the value in coming up with a more, shall we say creative name, like Elk or Toughkenamon or Tweedale, but when you live in a town that dropped the vivid moniker “Turks Head” for the bland “West Chester” (“We’re WEST of CHESTER, see, and CHESTER is EAST of us and, well, oh never mind…” ) you can’t really throw stones.
Theobald Wolfe Tone, the Irish patriot and martyr, lived in Downingtown for a while. Jim Croce lived up the road from Downingtown in Lyndell, so technically he had a Downingtown mailing address when he was writing “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.” I think if you asked a teenager today who was more famous, Jim Croce or Theobald Wolfe Tone, they would not be able to hear you because their ears had been permanently damaged through repeated iPod use.
Lincoln’s funeral train passed through town, which is somewhat convenient since Downingtown is located along the Lincoln Highway, which is strangely referred to mostly as Lancaster Avenue by the folks who live in Downingtown from what I can tell, but Abe was dead at the time he passed through so I don’t believe he was put off by the slight.
If you go to the “Downingtown” page on Wikipedia, you get a picture of marsh Creek State park, which is not in Downingtown, is located a good five miles from Downingtown, is closer to Dowlin and Glenmoore than Downingtown, but does have a Downingtown address. I suppose now the Wiki folks are going to start putting photos of Longwood Gardens on the Modena page as an illustration to dress things up a bit, and I don’t blame them. But there’s the Log House, circa 1705, just sitting there screaming to be pictured, and they go to a man-made lake that destroyed an entire village.
If you type “Maxwell Perkins Downingtown” into Google, you get a link to the JoBlo.com movie site. Don’t ask me why.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Every Day Is Record Store Day
This column originally appeared on Sunday, April 19, 2009
The time was 1969. The place was Air-Waye Records on Ludlow Avenue in the Clifton neighborhood of Cincinnati, Ohio. And the album was “Disraeli Gears” by Cream.
There you have the basic facts behind my first solo purchase of a record album, and the start of a spending spree at local records stores that has continued unabated to this very day. I just picked up copies of Radiohead’s “OK Computer” (Remastered Version)” and Lady Gaga’s “The Fame” (don’t ask me why) on Friday at Mad Platter Records on West Gay Street in West Chester.
I’d like to encourage you to join in my consumerism. Yesterday was Record Store day across the United States and Great Britain, a day set aside to celebrate, promote and sustain the local independent record stores that still exist in this age of downloads and file sharing. Although lots of such retailers have shut down in recent years, about 2,000 are still putting music out there for us to gather up, and many—like the Mad Platter -- are thriving. Maybe you should go out and see.
Record Store Day was the idea of Chris Brown, a long-haired, goateed music guru from Bull Moose, a chain of 10 record stores in Maine and New Hampshire. Now in its second year, Record Store Day is being celebrated at more than 1,000 independent record stores in the U.S. and in 17 countries.
"I wanted to have a fun kind of party event at Bull Moose where we could thank our customers and just have a fun time," he told the Associated Press.. "I realized that it would be a much better party if we got the other stores involved, just make it a national thing."
I like the idea of a day that gives me an excuse to do what I love doing anyway – going to a record store and shopping through hundreds of titles – but in a way I think it is a shame as well. In my mind, every day should be Record Store Day.
To be sure, I’ve spent a lot of time in record stores that could have been put to better use, but what of it. As they used to say about Midnight Basketball, lurking in records stores kept me off the street when I otherwise would have engaged in socially destructive behavior, like spray painting graffiti on neighborhood walls or studying for the law school entrance exams.
Air-Waye Records was about a mile from my home and I could easily ride the Schwinn there with my friends. Before “Disraeli Gears” with its “Sunshine of Your Love” hit came along, I’d picked out dozens of 45s to buy and badgered my parents into picking up copies of the latest Beatle or Beach Boys album, so my life was not without the sounds of the ‘60s before then.
The phrase “kid in a candy store” does not begin to describe the hours I could spend at Air-Waye thumbing though the racks of LPs, trying to imagine what it would be like to own each and every one of them. Those were the days when album art covers were just starting to come into their own as a cultural medium, and I am sure the owner of the store got used to the sight of me flipping the albums over and over the better to read and stare and contemplate the figures on “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” or the Bob Dylan painting on the cover of “Music From Big Pink” by The Band.
Not that I’m obsessed with the subject, but I can tell you that I still remember there were two prices for LPs at Air-Waye -- $4.19 for new releases and $3.49 for older ones. Don’t ask me why. When folks of my parents’ generation start moaning about how they knew the country had gone to hell in a hand basket when a gallon of milk went above $1, I smile knowingly and think of the number of albums I could buy with a $20 bill and some loose change these days if we’d stayed out of that hand basket.
I understand that we cannot as an economic system cling to businesses that are outdated, and that sometimes things just don’t last. I haven’t seen too many haberdashery stores opening along the avenue lately, and frankly I’m not sure I care. But if record stores are going to disappear from the face of the earth, I would simply rather that they do so after I’ve shuffled off my mortal coil so that I won’t have to know about it.
Meanwhile, I think ‘m going to stop by Mad Platter and ask Debbie if she’s got an extra copy of “This Mortal Coil.” It’s not “Disraeli Gears,” but then what is?
The time was 1969. The place was Air-Waye Records on Ludlow Avenue in the Clifton neighborhood of Cincinnati, Ohio. And the album was “Disraeli Gears” by Cream.
There you have the basic facts behind my first solo purchase of a record album, and the start of a spending spree at local records stores that has continued unabated to this very day. I just picked up copies of Radiohead’s “OK Computer” (Remastered Version)” and Lady Gaga’s “The Fame” (don’t ask me why) on Friday at Mad Platter Records on West Gay Street in West Chester.
I’d like to encourage you to join in my consumerism. Yesterday was Record Store day across the United States and Great Britain, a day set aside to celebrate, promote and sustain the local independent record stores that still exist in this age of downloads and file sharing. Although lots of such retailers have shut down in recent years, about 2,000 are still putting music out there for us to gather up, and many—like the Mad Platter -- are thriving. Maybe you should go out and see.
Record Store Day was the idea of Chris Brown, a long-haired, goateed music guru from Bull Moose, a chain of 10 record stores in Maine and New Hampshire. Now in its second year, Record Store Day is being celebrated at more than 1,000 independent record stores in the U.S. and in 17 countries.
"I wanted to have a fun kind of party event at Bull Moose where we could thank our customers and just have a fun time," he told the Associated Press.. "I realized that it would be a much better party if we got the other stores involved, just make it a national thing."
I like the idea of a day that gives me an excuse to do what I love doing anyway – going to a record store and shopping through hundreds of titles – but in a way I think it is a shame as well. In my mind, every day should be Record Store Day.
To be sure, I’ve spent a lot of time in record stores that could have been put to better use, but what of it. As they used to say about Midnight Basketball, lurking in records stores kept me off the street when I otherwise would have engaged in socially destructive behavior, like spray painting graffiti on neighborhood walls or studying for the law school entrance exams.
Air-Waye Records was about a mile from my home and I could easily ride the Schwinn there with my friends. Before “Disraeli Gears” with its “Sunshine of Your Love” hit came along, I’d picked out dozens of 45s to buy and badgered my parents into picking up copies of the latest Beatle or Beach Boys album, so my life was not without the sounds of the ‘60s before then.
The phrase “kid in a candy store” does not begin to describe the hours I could spend at Air-Waye thumbing though the racks of LPs, trying to imagine what it would be like to own each and every one of them. Those were the days when album art covers were just starting to come into their own as a cultural medium, and I am sure the owner of the store got used to the sight of me flipping the albums over and over the better to read and stare and contemplate the figures on “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” or the Bob Dylan painting on the cover of “Music From Big Pink” by The Band.
Not that I’m obsessed with the subject, but I can tell you that I still remember there were two prices for LPs at Air-Waye -- $4.19 for new releases and $3.49 for older ones. Don’t ask me why. When folks of my parents’ generation start moaning about how they knew the country had gone to hell in a hand basket when a gallon of milk went above $1, I smile knowingly and think of the number of albums I could buy with a $20 bill and some loose change these days if we’d stayed out of that hand basket.
I understand that we cannot as an economic system cling to businesses that are outdated, and that sometimes things just don’t last. I haven’t seen too many haberdashery stores opening along the avenue lately, and frankly I’m not sure I care. But if record stores are going to disappear from the face of the earth, I would simply rather that they do so after I’ve shuffled off my mortal coil so that I won’t have to know about it.
Meanwhile, I think ‘m going to stop by Mad Platter and ask Debbie if she’s got an extra copy of “This Mortal Coil.” It’s not “Disraeli Gears,” but then what is?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Turning Over An Old Leaf
This column originally appeared on Sunday, April 12, 2009
Keeping life simple is a concept that many people try to embrace, even though that can be somewhat problematic in a world in which pirates suddenly reappear among the various and sundry dangers that travelers must gird themselves against when going overseas. But I aspire to that lofty goal and put it at the forefront of both my long term and everyday decisions.
My list of New Years’ resolutions, for instance. I try to keep them simple and thus easy to attain. “I promise this year that I will not take a dog’s temperature in church,” is one I have found easy to adhere to. “I will avoid giving my neighbors a gift of Haggis for Easter,” is another. "No space travel for me this year" is a sure winner. I realize that you will consider these to be an example of stacking the deck, but since I’m dealing the cards only to myself I feel no shame in loading the aces on the top.
I will now, given the events of last weekend, be able to add another such resolution to the list: “I promise not to attend the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington D.C.”
Do not get me wrong. I have nothing against the blossoms themselves. They were wonderful. Delightful. They were everything you would want a blossom to be. And the venue for their blossominess was a treat as well. As many times as I have visited our nation’s capital, I never found the opportunity to walk the Tidal Basin area. As basins go, I’d rank it up there among my favorites.
The trip to Washington last weekend also gave me a chance to stop by the Vietnam Memorial, a place I had avoided in the past out of fear of being overcome at the stark emotion it might give rise to. But I found it inspiring in its beauty, and stood in awe of the imagination that must have gone into its creation. The connection it offers to both the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument made me think about how we now recognize that the ordinary among us are as worthy of timeless respect as the extraordinary.
But unfortunately for me, I had to experience all of that in the presence of a crowd that I would conservatively estimate approach one billion, many of them speaking loudly into cell phones. It was the time of the season – peak blossom time, I’m told – as well as the blue of the sky and warmth of the sun that brought everyone out and I can’t blame them. But in their presence I was once again reminded of that snippet of conversation between Wanda and Henry in the film “Barfly,” when she asks him if he hates people. “No,” Henry replies. “But I seem to feel better when they’re not around.”
When Yogi Berra said, apocryphally, “No one goes there anymore, it’s too crowded,” the person he was referring to was me. Some people recharge their emotional batteries in a big group of strangers they can turn into friends; others do the same by themselves. I belong to the latter.
Now, don’t get the impression that my resolve never to attend the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington D.C. again will have any impact on my cultural and/or aesthetic development. In the cherry blossom department, I’m pretty much covered.
You see, I live on what has been proclaimed by pretty much everyone I have talked to as the second most perfect flowering tree spot in the country, West Miner Street. Take a drive down my way sometime this week and you will see what I mean. Spring along this stretch of road simply bursts with blossoms pink and red and white and variations in between. In a short while as the wind picks up and the blossoms loosen their grip on the boughs, the street looks like a colorful snow squall had struck.
And I’ve got a little bit of the Washington experience right outside my front door. You see, back in 1912, U.S. Rep. Thomas Stalker Butler received two Japanese sakura, or cherry, trees as a gift, from the same lot that ended up being planted at the Tidal Basin. He took them home with him and planted them in the front yard of his home in the 200 block of West Miner where one has grown fat and fit and tall and its blossoms bountiful and beautiful.
And I resolve to enjoy them again next year when they come again.
Keeping life simple is a concept that many people try to embrace, even though that can be somewhat problematic in a world in which pirates suddenly reappear among the various and sundry dangers that travelers must gird themselves against when going overseas. But I aspire to that lofty goal and put it at the forefront of both my long term and everyday decisions.
My list of New Years’ resolutions, for instance. I try to keep them simple and thus easy to attain. “I promise this year that I will not take a dog’s temperature in church,” is one I have found easy to adhere to. “I will avoid giving my neighbors a gift of Haggis for Easter,” is another. "No space travel for me this year" is a sure winner. I realize that you will consider these to be an example of stacking the deck, but since I’m dealing the cards only to myself I feel no shame in loading the aces on the top.
I will now, given the events of last weekend, be able to add another such resolution to the list: “I promise not to attend the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington D.C.”
Do not get me wrong. I have nothing against the blossoms themselves. They were wonderful. Delightful. They were everything you would want a blossom to be. And the venue for their blossominess was a treat as well. As many times as I have visited our nation’s capital, I never found the opportunity to walk the Tidal Basin area. As basins go, I’d rank it up there among my favorites.
The trip to Washington last weekend also gave me a chance to stop by the Vietnam Memorial, a place I had avoided in the past out of fear of being overcome at the stark emotion it might give rise to. But I found it inspiring in its beauty, and stood in awe of the imagination that must have gone into its creation. The connection it offers to both the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument made me think about how we now recognize that the ordinary among us are as worthy of timeless respect as the extraordinary.
But unfortunately for me, I had to experience all of that in the presence of a crowd that I would conservatively estimate approach one billion, many of them speaking loudly into cell phones. It was the time of the season – peak blossom time, I’m told – as well as the blue of the sky and warmth of the sun that brought everyone out and I can’t blame them. But in their presence I was once again reminded of that snippet of conversation between Wanda and Henry in the film “Barfly,” when she asks him if he hates people. “No,” Henry replies. “But I seem to feel better when they’re not around.”
When Yogi Berra said, apocryphally, “No one goes there anymore, it’s too crowded,” the person he was referring to was me. Some people recharge their emotional batteries in a big group of strangers they can turn into friends; others do the same by themselves. I belong to the latter.
Now, don’t get the impression that my resolve never to attend the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington D.C. again will have any impact on my cultural and/or aesthetic development. In the cherry blossom department, I’m pretty much covered.
You see, I live on what has been proclaimed by pretty much everyone I have talked to as the second most perfect flowering tree spot in the country, West Miner Street. Take a drive down my way sometime this week and you will see what I mean. Spring along this stretch of road simply bursts with blossoms pink and red and white and variations in between. In a short while as the wind picks up and the blossoms loosen their grip on the boughs, the street looks like a colorful snow squall had struck.
And I’ve got a little bit of the Washington experience right outside my front door. You see, back in 1912, U.S. Rep. Thomas Stalker Butler received two Japanese sakura, or cherry, trees as a gift, from the same lot that ended up being planted at the Tidal Basin. He took them home with him and planted them in the front yard of his home in the 200 block of West Miner where one has grown fat and fit and tall and its blossoms bountiful and beautiful.
And I resolve to enjoy them again next year when they come again.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Saturday Night (Flashing) Lights
This column originally appeared on Sunday, April 5, 2009.
“So who’s the cook?”
To tell you the story behind that quote, I’m going to have to tell you another one first. Stay with me here. That Villanova score isn’t going to change anytime soon, and you’ll still be able to turn to it in the sports section.
In 1977, I worked for the U.S. Forest Service in the Uinta Mountains of northeastern Utah. We, a bunch of students from Earlham College and counterparts from schools in Utah, worked in the Wasatch National Forest about 100 miles east of Salt Lake City. Although some of us did heavy-duty forest service work, like cutting down trees, my job was mainly to empty trashcans from the campsites in the area.
But on July 16, a Saturday as I remember, we were told that we would be driving a few hours to the south to help fight a forest fire that had gone out of control in another forest – the Ashley National Forest. The fire was near the Flaming Gorge, quite a tourist attraction.
When we arrived at the scene, we were handed Pulaski fire tools to carry and fire-retardant shirts to wear, and given sleeping bags made out of paper and told we would be heading out to the fire scene soon, ferried there by helicopter. But we were also told that there had been a tragedy before our arrival: Three firefighters had been killed when the fire turned back on them and blew over the top of the tree stand were they were standing. They tried to outrun the blaze, but couldn’t.
I did not know their names then, but do now – thanks to the wonder of the Internet: Gene Campbell, Dwight Hodgkinson and Dave Noel. Even though none of s had known them before that day, they were all we thought about as we went about the business of containing that burning forest. I was just 20, and never thought until then that I could have such admiration and fear at the same time.
So on Saturday, March 28, 2009, I was at home reading when I decided a snack would be nice. Something simple and easy to make. A piece of toast. About half way though the process I noticed that there was an unusually large amount of smoke coming from the toaster – which would be nice in a barbeque pit but not in a third floor apartment. Somewhat experienced with smoking kitchen equipment, I opened the nearest window and the hallway door to get the smoke cleared. Which is about the same time the fire alarm went off.
I had noticed the alarm bell when I moved into the apartment a few months ago but hadn’t real paid it much mind. I imagined that it was there left over from some previous incarnation; what did I need with a bell, after all? I had smoke detectors. My first thought was to muffle the bell while the smoke cleared and everything went back to normal and I could finish my toast. Which is where the landlady found me, on the landing, gripping the metal clanger, when she ordered me out of the house.
We gathered on the street in front of the apartment, my landlady, fellow tenant and I, as I learned that the alarm was hardwired into an emergency service that would contact the fire company, which would be here soon. “But al I did was burn a piece of toast!” I explained, sheepishly. I don’t know whether my fellow evacuees’ laughter was directed at me, or at the situation. Nevertheless, that’s what they were doing when the pumper truck arrived.
A person I can only imagine must have been the chief --- since he stood about 14 feet tall, six feet wide and built, as they say, by the same firm that did Stonehenge – got off the truck and walked into the building like he owned it. I tried to stutter something about the toast, but it seemed he had more important things to do, like make sure the building wasn’t on fire.
It seemed as if hours passed as I stood on the sidewalk thinking how I was going to explain this one when the firefighter finally emerged from the house, having ascertained the level of my stupidity and shut off the alarm.
“So who’s the cook?” he asked, a wry smile crossing his face. I raised my hand. I explained the situation, he gave me some advice about what to do the next time the toast gets too crispy and then said, “Friend, you are not alone.” He walked back towards the truck, and we turned to go back inside.
There’s been a lot of news in the paper these days about firefighters, and some of it has not been great. But as the fire truck left the scene, all three of us turned to those who were inside and said, “Hey. Thanks. You guys do a great job.”
“So who’s the cook?”
To tell you the story behind that quote, I’m going to have to tell you another one first. Stay with me here. That Villanova score isn’t going to change anytime soon, and you’ll still be able to turn to it in the sports section.
In 1977, I worked for the U.S. Forest Service in the Uinta Mountains of northeastern Utah. We, a bunch of students from Earlham College and counterparts from schools in Utah, worked in the Wasatch National Forest about 100 miles east of Salt Lake City. Although some of us did heavy-duty forest service work, like cutting down trees, my job was mainly to empty trashcans from the campsites in the area.
But on July 16, a Saturday as I remember, we were told that we would be driving a few hours to the south to help fight a forest fire that had gone out of control in another forest – the Ashley National Forest. The fire was near the Flaming Gorge, quite a tourist attraction.
When we arrived at the scene, we were handed Pulaski fire tools to carry and fire-retardant shirts to wear, and given sleeping bags made out of paper and told we would be heading out to the fire scene soon, ferried there by helicopter. But we were also told that there had been a tragedy before our arrival: Three firefighters had been killed when the fire turned back on them and blew over the top of the tree stand were they were standing. They tried to outrun the blaze, but couldn’t.
I did not know their names then, but do now – thanks to the wonder of the Internet: Gene Campbell, Dwight Hodgkinson and Dave Noel. Even though none of s had known them before that day, they were all we thought about as we went about the business of containing that burning forest. I was just 20, and never thought until then that I could have such admiration and fear at the same time.
So on Saturday, March 28, 2009, I was at home reading when I decided a snack would be nice. Something simple and easy to make. A piece of toast. About half way though the process I noticed that there was an unusually large amount of smoke coming from the toaster – which would be nice in a barbeque pit but not in a third floor apartment. Somewhat experienced with smoking kitchen equipment, I opened the nearest window and the hallway door to get the smoke cleared. Which is about the same time the fire alarm went off.
I had noticed the alarm bell when I moved into the apartment a few months ago but hadn’t real paid it much mind. I imagined that it was there left over from some previous incarnation; what did I need with a bell, after all? I had smoke detectors. My first thought was to muffle the bell while the smoke cleared and everything went back to normal and I could finish my toast. Which is where the landlady found me, on the landing, gripping the metal clanger, when she ordered me out of the house.
We gathered on the street in front of the apartment, my landlady, fellow tenant and I, as I learned that the alarm was hardwired into an emergency service that would contact the fire company, which would be here soon. “But al I did was burn a piece of toast!” I explained, sheepishly. I don’t know whether my fellow evacuees’ laughter was directed at me, or at the situation. Nevertheless, that’s what they were doing when the pumper truck arrived.
A person I can only imagine must have been the chief --- since he stood about 14 feet tall, six feet wide and built, as they say, by the same firm that did Stonehenge – got off the truck and walked into the building like he owned it. I tried to stutter something about the toast, but it seemed he had more important things to do, like make sure the building wasn’t on fire.
It seemed as if hours passed as I stood on the sidewalk thinking how I was going to explain this one when the firefighter finally emerged from the house, having ascertained the level of my stupidity and shut off the alarm.
“So who’s the cook?” he asked, a wry smile crossing his face. I raised my hand. I explained the situation, he gave me some advice about what to do the next time the toast gets too crispy and then said, “Friend, you are not alone.” He walked back towards the truck, and we turned to go back inside.
There’s been a lot of news in the paper these days about firefighters, and some of it has not been great. But as the fire truck left the scene, all three of us turned to those who were inside and said, “Hey. Thanks. You guys do a great job.”
Monday, March 30, 2009
Who Ya Gonna Call?
This column originally appeared on Sunday, March 29, 2009
This column comes with a warning.
I generally respect my readers and try not to demean or offend them, so I’m letting you all know right off the bat that I will be writing about toilets this week.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that all of a sudden, when you were least expecting it, here is the Daily Local News turning into the Howard Stern Show. Here’s the finest example of journalism printed within spitting distance of the Downingtown Interchange of the Pennsylvania Turnpike all of a sudden joining the potty humor crowd. Here’s the Voice of Chester County letting go with a good long belch.
That’s why I warned you; I didn’t want it to come as a shock. If you’re offended, you can feel free to skip the rest of this column and go straight to the box score of the Villanova-Pitt game. (Repeat after me: “Even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter, because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Penn because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!” Thank you, Bill Murray.)
But for those of you sticking around, what I’m about to tell you is not meant to offend or insult or demean. It is meant to inform.
There’s some “ghost flushing” going on at the Chester County Justice Center.
I know what you’re thinking. You Are thinking that you haven’t heard a good ghost-flushing story since October of 2007, when the news about the library in Kent, England, hit the wires. You remember, the one about the librarian at the Gravesend Library, ex-Royal Marine Gordon Jenns, who asked the local council to pay for an exorcist to solve the mystery of his haunted water closet. Jenns, it was reported at the time, “believes that the loo is inhabited by a ghost, who flushes the toilet after everyone has gone home.”
"I'm absolutely certain the toilet flushed itself,” Jenns told his local newspaper reporter, who I assure you could not wait to get back to the newsroom as soon as he could and tell his editor about his scoop. “The door was locked and the cistern was still filling up when I went in. It even happens when the loo door’s locked,” he added, calling the matter, “off-putting.”
Be that as it may, when you go to the men’s loo on the Fifth Floor of the JC, there will come a time when the toilets around you start flushing away, every few seconds, even though you are the only person in the room. The toilets have those modern motion sensor gizmos that are supposed to react only when you leave so you don’t have to go through the trouble of pulling the handle. But instead they go off with the slightest provocation, or with no provocation at all. So there you are, all alone with your thoughts and the latest Daily Local, and all you hear is a symphony of rushing flushes, timed perfectly, one after another, whooshing away nothing but pure, clean water. It’s off-putting, you might say.
Not wishing to raise the specter, so to speak, of having an exorcism performed for the ghost flushing at taxpayer expense, I made discreet inquiries about the matter. Seems like I was not the first to knock on that door.
County Director of Facilities Extraordinaire Steve Fromnick told me that he has had his people working on the problem for some time now. One of his assistants wrote to say that: “Originally, we had to go through and calibrate the flushometers to zero them in. We believe now we’re getting ghost flushing because of cleaning agents being used on the sensors. How much of this ghost flushing is happening we’re not sure, but we are in contact with our custodian contractor to educate them on the correct maintenance procedures.”
I’ll bet the folks in the White House Press Corps would give their Blackberries to be able to use the word “flushometers” in a sentence.
I don’t know if I actually want the problem solved because it is, after all, somewhat relaxing to hear the sound of whooshing water going on around you when you’re otherwise occupied. I accept the fact that ghost flushing is most likely wasteful and environmentally unsound. Still, I remember those days when I thought that pure joy revolved around nothing more than flushing the toilet over and over again.
But we all graduate college at some point. Even ‘Nova students.
This column comes with a warning.
I generally respect my readers and try not to demean or offend them, so I’m letting you all know right off the bat that I will be writing about toilets this week.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that all of a sudden, when you were least expecting it, here is the Daily Local News turning into the Howard Stern Show. Here’s the finest example of journalism printed within spitting distance of the Downingtown Interchange of the Pennsylvania Turnpike all of a sudden joining the potty humor crowd. Here’s the Voice of Chester County letting go with a good long belch.
That’s why I warned you; I didn’t want it to come as a shock. If you’re offended, you can feel free to skip the rest of this column and go straight to the box score of the Villanova-Pitt game. (Repeat after me: “Even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter, because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Penn because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!” Thank you, Bill Murray.)
But for those of you sticking around, what I’m about to tell you is not meant to offend or insult or demean. It is meant to inform.
There’s some “ghost flushing” going on at the Chester County Justice Center.
I know what you’re thinking. You Are thinking that you haven’t heard a good ghost-flushing story since October of 2007, when the news about the library in Kent, England, hit the wires. You remember, the one about the librarian at the Gravesend Library, ex-Royal Marine Gordon Jenns, who asked the local council to pay for an exorcist to solve the mystery of his haunted water closet. Jenns, it was reported at the time, “believes that the loo is inhabited by a ghost, who flushes the toilet after everyone has gone home.”
"I'm absolutely certain the toilet flushed itself,” Jenns told his local newspaper reporter, who I assure you could not wait to get back to the newsroom as soon as he could and tell his editor about his scoop. “The door was locked and the cistern was still filling up when I went in. It even happens when the loo door’s locked,” he added, calling the matter, “off-putting.”
Be that as it may, when you go to the men’s loo on the Fifth Floor of the JC, there will come a time when the toilets around you start flushing away, every few seconds, even though you are the only person in the room. The toilets have those modern motion sensor gizmos that are supposed to react only when you leave so you don’t have to go through the trouble of pulling the handle. But instead they go off with the slightest provocation, or with no provocation at all. So there you are, all alone with your thoughts and the latest Daily Local, and all you hear is a symphony of rushing flushes, timed perfectly, one after another, whooshing away nothing but pure, clean water. It’s off-putting, you might say.
Not wishing to raise the specter, so to speak, of having an exorcism performed for the ghost flushing at taxpayer expense, I made discreet inquiries about the matter. Seems like I was not the first to knock on that door.
County Director of Facilities Extraordinaire Steve Fromnick told me that he has had his people working on the problem for some time now. One of his assistants wrote to say that: “Originally, we had to go through and calibrate the flushometers to zero them in. We believe now we’re getting ghost flushing because of cleaning agents being used on the sensors. How much of this ghost flushing is happening we’re not sure, but we are in contact with our custodian contractor to educate them on the correct maintenance procedures.”
I’ll bet the folks in the White House Press Corps would give their Blackberries to be able to use the word “flushometers” in a sentence.
I don’t know if I actually want the problem solved because it is, after all, somewhat relaxing to hear the sound of whooshing water going on around you when you’re otherwise occupied. I accept the fact that ghost flushing is most likely wasteful and environmentally unsound. Still, I remember those days when I thought that pure joy revolved around nothing more than flushing the toilet over and over again.
But we all graduate college at some point. Even ‘Nova students.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My Hero, The I Choose Hell Guy
This column originally apeared on Sunday, March 22, 2009
Everybody should have a hero, and George Kalman is mine.
I know what you’re saying. I know, for beginners, that what you are not saying is: “Why couldn’t you have chosen Chase Utley, or Barack Obama, or even Joe Dirt, even though he’s a fictional movie character brought to life by the guy who is not Chris Farley, as your hero?” I know, as well, that you are not saying: “Why don’t you choose as your hero somebody really important, like the inventors of Facebook, which has done more towards the efforts of Americans who want to substitute frivolous time-wasting activities for actual productive tasks than anything since the invention of the personal telephone call from the office?’
No, I know that what you are saying is: “Who in the name of Joe Dirt is George Kalman?” I understand the sentiment behind that question, because up until about four hours ago, I did not know who in the name of Joe Dirt George Kalman was either.
But thanks to Samuel G. Freedman of The New York Times, I do know who George Kalman is, and now he’s my hero. But not for the reason you might think.
George Kalman is the East Brandywine man and independent filmmaker who has filed a lawsuit in federal court in Philadelphia to overturn Pennsylvania’s blasphemy law. He did so after the state in 2007 turned down his request to name his film production company I Choose Hell Productions L.L.C., a choice meant to emphasize his belief that even if life can be hell at times, it is better than committing suicide.
Yes, I know what you’re saying: “Pennsylvania has a law against blasphemy? Then how did they get the permission to build those awful looking homes in Upper Uwchlan? And don’t even get me started on the Coatesville City Council!” Actually, the anti-blasphemy statute it is not a law like those weird codes that outlaw women in Florida from falling asleep under a hair dryer, or ban animals in California from mating within 1,500 feet of a day care center, or restrict locating a sexology shop in West Chester, Pa., within 300 feet of a church. No, this is a statute that maintains that corporations in the Commonwealth cannot have as their names any words that would “constitute blasphemy, profane cursing or swearing or that profane the Lords’s name.”
Leaving aside for the moment the notion that there is such a thing as “non-profane cursing,” we should point out that the state bureaucrats who are in charge of sorting out the blasphemes from the ordinary words in corporate Pennsylvania have not always been as diligent as they were in Kalman’s case when they denied his I Choose Hell Productions L.L.C. name. According to the Times article, there exist in the state corporations that use the handle Devil Media and Vomit Noise Productions, so somebody was apparently paying too much attention to his or her “Which Overly Restrictive State Red Tape Functionary Are You?” Facebook Quiz when those applications came across their desks.
But thank (not to drop names) God for providing Kalman with the wherewithal to bring the matter to the attention of the courts, where hopefully someone with the requisite understanding of the Constitution will see that the Pennsylvania’s anti-blasphemy statute makes about as much sense as not being able to play professional baseball in Philadelphia on Sundays (law repealed in 1933) or being forbidden from buying a bottle of “Two Buck Chuck” wine at the nearest Trader Joe’s any day of the year (law still on the books.)
But even though I think his mind is in the right place, his legal challenge to the law is not the reason why Kalman is my hero. No, he is my hero because of what he told Mr. Freedman of the Times.
“When you read the First Amendment, this is something you can be proud of,” he is quoted as saying. “If you care about the human condition, then you care about the First Amendment.”
I think even Joe Dirt would agree.
Everybody should have a hero, and George Kalman is mine.
I know what you’re saying. I know, for beginners, that what you are not saying is: “Why couldn’t you have chosen Chase Utley, or Barack Obama, or even Joe Dirt, even though he’s a fictional movie character brought to life by the guy who is not Chris Farley, as your hero?” I know, as well, that you are not saying: “Why don’t you choose as your hero somebody really important, like the inventors of Facebook, which has done more towards the efforts of Americans who want to substitute frivolous time-wasting activities for actual productive tasks than anything since the invention of the personal telephone call from the office?’
No, I know that what you are saying is: “Who in the name of Joe Dirt is George Kalman?” I understand the sentiment behind that question, because up until about four hours ago, I did not know who in the name of Joe Dirt George Kalman was either.
But thanks to Samuel G. Freedman of The New York Times, I do know who George Kalman is, and now he’s my hero. But not for the reason you might think.
George Kalman is the East Brandywine man and independent filmmaker who has filed a lawsuit in federal court in Philadelphia to overturn Pennsylvania’s blasphemy law. He did so after the state in 2007 turned down his request to name his film production company I Choose Hell Productions L.L.C., a choice meant to emphasize his belief that even if life can be hell at times, it is better than committing suicide.
Yes, I know what you’re saying: “Pennsylvania has a law against blasphemy? Then how did they get the permission to build those awful looking homes in Upper Uwchlan? And don’t even get me started on the Coatesville City Council!” Actually, the anti-blasphemy statute it is not a law like those weird codes that outlaw women in Florida from falling asleep under a hair dryer, or ban animals in California from mating within 1,500 feet of a day care center, or restrict locating a sexology shop in West Chester, Pa., within 300 feet of a church. No, this is a statute that maintains that corporations in the Commonwealth cannot have as their names any words that would “constitute blasphemy, profane cursing or swearing or that profane the Lords’s name.”
Leaving aside for the moment the notion that there is such a thing as “non-profane cursing,” we should point out that the state bureaucrats who are in charge of sorting out the blasphemes from the ordinary words in corporate Pennsylvania have not always been as diligent as they were in Kalman’s case when they denied his I Choose Hell Productions L.L.C. name. According to the Times article, there exist in the state corporations that use the handle Devil Media and Vomit Noise Productions, so somebody was apparently paying too much attention to his or her “Which Overly Restrictive State Red Tape Functionary Are You?” Facebook Quiz when those applications came across their desks.
But thank (not to drop names) God for providing Kalman with the wherewithal to bring the matter to the attention of the courts, where hopefully someone with the requisite understanding of the Constitution will see that the Pennsylvania’s anti-blasphemy statute makes about as much sense as not being able to play professional baseball in Philadelphia on Sundays (law repealed in 1933) or being forbidden from buying a bottle of “Two Buck Chuck” wine at the nearest Trader Joe’s any day of the year (law still on the books.)
But even though I think his mind is in the right place, his legal challenge to the law is not the reason why Kalman is my hero. No, he is my hero because of what he told Mr. Freedman of the Times.
“When you read the First Amendment, this is something you can be proud of,” he is quoted as saying. “If you care about the human condition, then you care about the First Amendment.”
I think even Joe Dirt would agree.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Build A Lake, And I Will Swim.
This column originally appeared on Sunday, March 15, 2009
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword has not been paying close enough attention to my column.
I have written in these pages as advocate for a number of what I consider perfectly worthy causes, and to date have had exactly none of them come to fruition. Cincinnati chili parlors in West Chester? Nope. Chadds Ford relocated into Chester County? Sorry, Charlie. Public swimming pool within easy walking distance of my home? Fuddegaboudit. Cloaking device to keep West Chester shielded from more drunken tourists? What’re you, kidding?
I am not doing well in the mightier-pen department, you might say. If I were a presidential candidate, I’d be Dennis Kucinich (2008 campaign: 25 months, 12 days. Delegate total: 0). If I were a Major League shortstop, I’d have a batting average worse even than Mario Mendoza (Nine seasons, three teams, .215 lifetime batting average.) If I were the melting point of ice on a temperature measurement scale, I’d be Celsius (0 degrees).
But what I am not is unpersistent.
Let me put that another, less grammatically incorrect, way. What I am not is a quitter (See above: “Kucinich”). I persist in these campaigns, whether they are successful or not. Once I have taken up arms, I do not stop the just just because someone has lopped off my hands from the shoulders down. I do not take my role as an advocate lightly, especially when it comes to Cincinnati chili or cloaking devices.
So once again I hurl myself into the breech. Staring today, I am officially urging the Army Corps of Engineers to begin blocking up whatever body of water is available to create a lake somewhere in West Chester, preferably within walking distance of the childhood home of Smedley Darlington Butler, of which, as has been established previously, I am a neighbor.
The thought that we need a large body of open water here occurred to me as I visited Marsh Creek State Park one recent sunny afternoon. Marsh Creek Lake is one of the most beautiful man-made sights in northern Chester County, and brings with it a sense of tranquility and ease. It is a spot for boating or fishing, sunbathing or kayaking, or simply just gazing across its grand expanse of clear blue water. (It is also a spot for surreptitious swimming, as I once discovered when a friend of mine slipped over the side of the boat we had rented for a cool dip, even though such practice is technically illegal. I say this because I am fairly certain the statute of limitations on aquatic offenses is safely behind me.)
I am also certain that having a lake somewhere in the middle of West Chester would provide a number of financial benefits to the borough that it has heretofore not enjoyed. There is the possibility of a windsurfing franchise, for example. There would be a great opportunity for a bass fishing tournament that we could conceivably spin off of the latest television episode of “Viva Le Bam.” It would make a nice swimming location as well (See above: “Cool dip”), which would not exactly conform with the sort of economic stimulus that the papers all say our nation is sorely in need of, but it would make my summers significantly more enjoyable, and what of it?
I am not at all certain how this flooding project would be accomplished, but questions like those are, as our newly inaugurated president once said, above my pay grade. I’m the idea guy, not the nuts-and-bolts guy. I lay out the strategies in broad stokes and let the Timothy Geithners and Lawrence Summers of the world fill in the details. I say we need a lake; I let someone else build the dam. If I were a movie character, I would be Bill Blazejowsky in “Night Shift”: (“What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, WITH the tuna fish? Or... hold it! I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish, and FEED 'em mayonnaise! Call Starkist!”).
Look, I know that you are shaking your head in disbelief at my apparent naïveté that what I wish in these pages will somehow come true. In response, I point out that someone had to be the one to think of putting a lake in the middle of Upper Uwchlan. He or she probably got laughed at by all the residents of Milford Mills right up until the time the waters of Marsh Creek started creeping into their root cellars, and where are they now? I tell you where they are: Living on the banks of a 535-acre man made lake, that’s where hey are. So sing your song of impossible dreams to them.
Or to Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who, just by way of explanation, in his 1839 play “Richelieu; Or the Conspiracy,” coined the phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” I’m sure he’ll listen.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword has not been paying close enough attention to my column.
I have written in these pages as advocate for a number of what I consider perfectly worthy causes, and to date have had exactly none of them come to fruition. Cincinnati chili parlors in West Chester? Nope. Chadds Ford relocated into Chester County? Sorry, Charlie. Public swimming pool within easy walking distance of my home? Fuddegaboudit. Cloaking device to keep West Chester shielded from more drunken tourists? What’re you, kidding?
I am not doing well in the mightier-pen department, you might say. If I were a presidential candidate, I’d be Dennis Kucinich (2008 campaign: 25 months, 12 days. Delegate total: 0). If I were a Major League shortstop, I’d have a batting average worse even than Mario Mendoza (Nine seasons, three teams, .215 lifetime batting average.) If I were the melting point of ice on a temperature measurement scale, I’d be Celsius (0 degrees).
But what I am not is unpersistent.
Let me put that another, less grammatically incorrect, way. What I am not is a quitter (See above: “Kucinich”). I persist in these campaigns, whether they are successful or not. Once I have taken up arms, I do not stop the just just because someone has lopped off my hands from the shoulders down. I do not take my role as an advocate lightly, especially when it comes to Cincinnati chili or cloaking devices.
So once again I hurl myself into the breech. Staring today, I am officially urging the Army Corps of Engineers to begin blocking up whatever body of water is available to create a lake somewhere in West Chester, preferably within walking distance of the childhood home of Smedley Darlington Butler, of which, as has been established previously, I am a neighbor.
The thought that we need a large body of open water here occurred to me as I visited Marsh Creek State Park one recent sunny afternoon. Marsh Creek Lake is one of the most beautiful man-made sights in northern Chester County, and brings with it a sense of tranquility and ease. It is a spot for boating or fishing, sunbathing or kayaking, or simply just gazing across its grand expanse of clear blue water. (It is also a spot for surreptitious swimming, as I once discovered when a friend of mine slipped over the side of the boat we had rented for a cool dip, even though such practice is technically illegal. I say this because I am fairly certain the statute of limitations on aquatic offenses is safely behind me.)
I am also certain that having a lake somewhere in the middle of West Chester would provide a number of financial benefits to the borough that it has heretofore not enjoyed. There is the possibility of a windsurfing franchise, for example. There would be a great opportunity for a bass fishing tournament that we could conceivably spin off of the latest television episode of “Viva Le Bam.” It would make a nice swimming location as well (See above: “Cool dip”), which would not exactly conform with the sort of economic stimulus that the papers all say our nation is sorely in need of, but it would make my summers significantly more enjoyable, and what of it?
I am not at all certain how this flooding project would be accomplished, but questions like those are, as our newly inaugurated president once said, above my pay grade. I’m the idea guy, not the nuts-and-bolts guy. I lay out the strategies in broad stokes and let the Timothy Geithners and Lawrence Summers of the world fill in the details. I say we need a lake; I let someone else build the dam. If I were a movie character, I would be Bill Blazejowsky in “Night Shift”: (“What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, WITH the tuna fish? Or... hold it! I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish, and FEED 'em mayonnaise! Call Starkist!”).
Look, I know that you are shaking your head in disbelief at my apparent naïveté that what I wish in these pages will somehow come true. In response, I point out that someone had to be the one to think of putting a lake in the middle of Upper Uwchlan. He or she probably got laughed at by all the residents of Milford Mills right up until the time the waters of Marsh Creek started creeping into their root cellars, and where are they now? I tell you where they are: Living on the banks of a 535-acre man made lake, that’s where hey are. So sing your song of impossible dreams to them.
Or to Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who, just by way of explanation, in his 1839 play “Richelieu; Or the Conspiracy,” coined the phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” I’m sure he’ll listen.
Monday, March 09, 2009
25 Random Things About a Geo-Political Entity
This column originally appeared on Sunday, March 8, 2009
Hello Daily Local News readers. It’s me, Chester County.
Yes, I realize that it is odd to find that a geo-political subdivision of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is writing a column, but with modern technology anything is possible. Welcome to the 21st Century! Any moment now, wholly abstract concepts, such as “happiness,” the color “red” or “Andy Dinniman” are going to have their own Web sites and Twitter addresses, so my ability to interact with you is really just the beginning.
Which is my way of getting around to letting you know that I now have my own Facebook page and am hoping you’ll all sign up to be my friends. Considering there’s almost 485,000 people living within my borders, I’d say I have the possibility of establishing yourself as the Facebook “Friends Leader of All Time” if just a small portion of you sign up. I’ll try to provide a handy link later.
But just so you know that even though I’m more than 300 years old I still have a sense of what the hottest trends are in the modern world, I thought I would let you know that I do have prepared a “25 Random Things About me” list. Apparently, it is something you have to do to really get in the spirit of Facebook. After all, chain letters are so 1888.
This is my way of letting you know a few personal things about me that might have not captured your attention in the past. I’ve dug down and mined the bottom of my personality, my likes and dislikes, the bits and pieces of my life that will let you know why you might want to be my friend. Hope you like it.
1. Degrees of separation between me and William Penn: None.
2. My Official Seal shows a tall-mast ship at sail on the ocean. But I have no ocean. Don’t ask me.
3. I have 73 municipalities, but am hoping a recent diet I started will get me down to the mid-50s.
4. Favorite television actor: Dennis Weaver, as “Chester” on Gunsmoke. Duh!
5. I have never seen Cheshire County, England, who I am apparently named after. Don’t want to, either. More of a Wales guy, myself. (See, “Tredyffrin.”)
6. Used to encompass both Lancaster and Delaware counties. Felt bad about losing Lancaster (great outlet shops!) but OK with the Delco thing.
7. Favorite fungi: mushroom. Double duh.
8. George Washington slept in me.
9. Totally over Susan Richardson of “Eight is Enough.” Sort of have a thing for Tina Fey, though.
10. Motto: “Come in Gay, go out High.”
11. Did you know: The Hooters filmed a music video inside me at an old drive-in movie theater in Exton.
12. Number of “Hooters” restaurants located in me: Zero.
13. Loved “Witness.” Hated “The Village.”
14. I would trade 50 percent of the foxhunters I find traipsing across my verdant fields if I could just have one minor league baseball team located within my borders. Preferably in the Baltimore Orioles farm system.
15. Always knew that Thurgood Marshall fellow would amount to something.
16. Can recite “Mother to Son” by Langston Hughes at the drop of a hat.
17. I’ve got lots more fieldstones where those came from if you want to build a barn somewhere.
18. Favorite Herr’s snack food: “Salt and Pepper Potato Chips.”
19. Jim Croce? Meh.
20. Turn ons: Unpaved dirt roads. Turn offs: Route 202, Tuesdays, 8:30 a.m., between Boot Road and Route 29.
21. Secretly miss Courtroom One.
22. I actually only need one jury commissioner.
23. If you go to the Eagleview business and residential community in Uwchlan, you can’t actually see Eagle.
24. Politically, I’m feeling purple.
25. I have 3,730,000 hits on Google. Go ahead, try and beat me.
Hello Daily Local News readers. It’s me, Chester County.
Yes, I realize that it is odd to find that a geo-political subdivision of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is writing a column, but with modern technology anything is possible. Welcome to the 21st Century! Any moment now, wholly abstract concepts, such as “happiness,” the color “red” or “Andy Dinniman” are going to have their own Web sites and Twitter addresses, so my ability to interact with you is really just the beginning.
Which is my way of getting around to letting you know that I now have my own Facebook page and am hoping you’ll all sign up to be my friends. Considering there’s almost 485,000 people living within my borders, I’d say I have the possibility of establishing yourself as the Facebook “Friends Leader of All Time” if just a small portion of you sign up. I’ll try to provide a handy link later.
But just so you know that even though I’m more than 300 years old I still have a sense of what the hottest trends are in the modern world, I thought I would let you know that I do have prepared a “25 Random Things About me” list. Apparently, it is something you have to do to really get in the spirit of Facebook. After all, chain letters are so 1888.
This is my way of letting you know a few personal things about me that might have not captured your attention in the past. I’ve dug down and mined the bottom of my personality, my likes and dislikes, the bits and pieces of my life that will let you know why you might want to be my friend. Hope you like it.
1. Degrees of separation between me and William Penn: None.
2. My Official Seal shows a tall-mast ship at sail on the ocean. But I have no ocean. Don’t ask me.
3. I have 73 municipalities, but am hoping a recent diet I started will get me down to the mid-50s.
4. Favorite television actor: Dennis Weaver, as “Chester” on Gunsmoke. Duh!
5. I have never seen Cheshire County, England, who I am apparently named after. Don’t want to, either. More of a Wales guy, myself. (See, “Tredyffrin.”)
6. Used to encompass both Lancaster and Delaware counties. Felt bad about losing Lancaster (great outlet shops!) but OK with the Delco thing.
7. Favorite fungi: mushroom. Double duh.
8. George Washington slept in me.
9. Totally over Susan Richardson of “Eight is Enough.” Sort of have a thing for Tina Fey, though.
10. Motto: “Come in Gay, go out High.”
11. Did you know: The Hooters filmed a music video inside me at an old drive-in movie theater in Exton.
12. Number of “Hooters” restaurants located in me: Zero.
13. Loved “Witness.” Hated “The Village.”
14. I would trade 50 percent of the foxhunters I find traipsing across my verdant fields if I could just have one minor league baseball team located within my borders. Preferably in the Baltimore Orioles farm system.
15. Always knew that Thurgood Marshall fellow would amount to something.
16. Can recite “Mother to Son” by Langston Hughes at the drop of a hat.
17. I’ve got lots more fieldstones where those came from if you want to build a barn somewhere.
18. Favorite Herr’s snack food: “Salt and Pepper Potato Chips.”
19. Jim Croce? Meh.
20. Turn ons: Unpaved dirt roads. Turn offs: Route 202, Tuesdays, 8:30 a.m., between Boot Road and Route 29.
21. Secretly miss Courtroom One.
22. I actually only need one jury commissioner.
23. If you go to the Eagleview business and residential community in Uwchlan, you can’t actually see Eagle.
24. Politically, I’m feeling purple.
25. I have 3,730,000 hits on Google. Go ahead, try and beat me.
Monday, March 02, 2009
How to Fight The Winter Blues With a Black Robe
This column originally appeared on Sunday, March 1, 2009
I know how you feel. It’s finally March, but it still feels like February. You’ve been stuck inside since the last days of 2008 and the cabin fever is outdone only by the expansive boredom you and the spouse feel. The only words that come to mind during the weekly game of Scrabble are ennui, torpor and doldrums. The bi-weekly game of Monopoly has turned into a monotony. The movies offer only “Doubt,” “The Uninvited,” and “Paul Bart: Mall Cop.”
Even the high-strung Collie your neighbors asked you to walk while they vacation in Ibizia shows decided signs of dispiritedness. She’s more lassitude than Lassie. When your teenage son and daughter sigh that they have nothing to do, you sigh and say: “The line forms to the rear.”
Yo. Do what I do. Stop by Judge Thomas G. Gavin’s courtroom on the 7th floor of the county Justice Center for a taste of His Honor’s unique brand of wit and wisdom. Let’s join in while the program is already in session.
“You can walk this off if you complete the first year of probation without any problems, with the understanding that we won’t see each other again,” Gavin, the one time Marine, was telling a criminal defendant who has promised, essentially, “not to do it again" last Tuesday. “If we do, bring some reading material.”
In Gavin-ese, “bring some reading material” means don’t make any plans for the weekend: you are going to jail.
A Philadelphia sportswriter once wondered if he could get an entire column out of asking Pete Rose a single question about hitting. Two hours later, he’d filled an entire notebook. That’s the way I approach a day with Judge Gavin; sooner or later he’s going to say something worth writing down.
Like this advice to a West Chester University students who got arrested for underage drinking: “Part of being in college is that it is the last opportunity to see how stupid you can be.” Had I known that back in 1977 at Earlham College in Richmond, Ind., I’d certainly have afforded myself the opportunity to get in a lot more trouble than I did.
Judge Gavin has been on the bench for 23 years, and he’s slowly but surely approaching the mandatory retirement age of 70 that judges in Pennsylvania face. But although I heard one bright-eyed prosecutor who practices in front of Judge Gavin on occasion describe Judge Gavin as “world weary,” he still strides onto the bench every morning with a brisk, determined gait. He will bluntly tell you, if you have cause to appear in front of him, that he’s seen, if not all of it, then the vast majority of whatever “it” is. But he does not seem jaded or indifferent to what is happening in front of him.
“We’re going to be a little bit creative here because your client has been trying to make a new life for himself,” Judge Gavin told a defense attorney one day last week. “We’re going to make life easy for him. Bt the first thing we have to do is see the whites of his eyes.”
Unlike some who wear black robes to work, Judge Gavin isn’t tied to the strict formality of taking each case on the docket in order. He’s more of a “whaddaya got?” type of jurist, ready for whatever comes his way. I’ve also found that he’s not afraid to mix up his metaphors a bit as he tries to get the message across with as little ambiguity as possible when talking to a defendant.
“Hopefully the light will go on between your ears at some point,” he told a man who was one step away from a trip to the confines of a government-run hotel upstate. “But you’re the only one who can answer that.”
Some of those who appear before Judge Gavin consider him lenient on some criminals, and I am certain that there are enough examples of that to go around. But he is also capable of slamming the door shut and wiping his hands of someone who just doesn’t seem to get the message the first time.
“Your probation officer did everything she could for you. She bent over backwards and all you did was kick her,” the judge told one serial violator last week. “You didn’t take advantage of her help, and now you’re going to pay your dues. Hopefully, you won’t spend too much time in state prison. Have a nice day.”
Thanks, judge. I always do, and I’m never bored.
I know how you feel. It’s finally March, but it still feels like February. You’ve been stuck inside since the last days of 2008 and the cabin fever is outdone only by the expansive boredom you and the spouse feel. The only words that come to mind during the weekly game of Scrabble are ennui, torpor and doldrums. The bi-weekly game of Monopoly has turned into a monotony. The movies offer only “Doubt,” “The Uninvited,” and “Paul Bart: Mall Cop.”
Even the high-strung Collie your neighbors asked you to walk while they vacation in Ibizia shows decided signs of dispiritedness. She’s more lassitude than Lassie. When your teenage son and daughter sigh that they have nothing to do, you sigh and say: “The line forms to the rear.”
Yo. Do what I do. Stop by Judge Thomas G. Gavin’s courtroom on the 7th floor of the county Justice Center for a taste of His Honor’s unique brand of wit and wisdom. Let’s join in while the program is already in session.
“You can walk this off if you complete the first year of probation without any problems, with the understanding that we won’t see each other again,” Gavin, the one time Marine, was telling a criminal defendant who has promised, essentially, “not to do it again" last Tuesday. “If we do, bring some reading material.”
In Gavin-ese, “bring some reading material” means don’t make any plans for the weekend: you are going to jail.
A Philadelphia sportswriter once wondered if he could get an entire column out of asking Pete Rose a single question about hitting. Two hours later, he’d filled an entire notebook. That’s the way I approach a day with Judge Gavin; sooner or later he’s going to say something worth writing down.
Like this advice to a West Chester University students who got arrested for underage drinking: “Part of being in college is that it is the last opportunity to see how stupid you can be.” Had I known that back in 1977 at Earlham College in Richmond, Ind., I’d certainly have afforded myself the opportunity to get in a lot more trouble than I did.
Judge Gavin has been on the bench for 23 years, and he’s slowly but surely approaching the mandatory retirement age of 70 that judges in Pennsylvania face. But although I heard one bright-eyed prosecutor who practices in front of Judge Gavin on occasion describe Judge Gavin as “world weary,” he still strides onto the bench every morning with a brisk, determined gait. He will bluntly tell you, if you have cause to appear in front of him, that he’s seen, if not all of it, then the vast majority of whatever “it” is. But he does not seem jaded or indifferent to what is happening in front of him.
“We’re going to be a little bit creative here because your client has been trying to make a new life for himself,” Judge Gavin told a defense attorney one day last week. “We’re going to make life easy for him. Bt the first thing we have to do is see the whites of his eyes.”
Unlike some who wear black robes to work, Judge Gavin isn’t tied to the strict formality of taking each case on the docket in order. He’s more of a “whaddaya got?” type of jurist, ready for whatever comes his way. I’ve also found that he’s not afraid to mix up his metaphors a bit as he tries to get the message across with as little ambiguity as possible when talking to a defendant.
“Hopefully the light will go on between your ears at some point,” he told a man who was one step away from a trip to the confines of a government-run hotel upstate. “But you’re the only one who can answer that.”
Some of those who appear before Judge Gavin consider him lenient on some criminals, and I am certain that there are enough examples of that to go around. But he is also capable of slamming the door shut and wiping his hands of someone who just doesn’t seem to get the message the first time.
“Your probation officer did everything she could for you. She bent over backwards and all you did was kick her,” the judge told one serial violator last week. “You didn’t take advantage of her help, and now you’re going to pay your dues. Hopefully, you won’t spend too much time in state prison. Have a nice day.”
Thanks, judge. I always do, and I’m never bored.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sniffing Out Chester County's Sights
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009
Hello tourists! Welcome to Chester County, land of rolling hills, historic battlefields, stone barns, and the fresh scents emanating from various mushroom composting houses! We’re glad to have you!
We know you’ve been aching to see the sights that the Chester County Conference and Visitors Bureau described in its most recent propagand..., er, brochure, and we trust that at some point in your life you’ll get to see Longwood Gardens, the Brandywine River Museum, the Chester County Historic Courthouse and the QVC studios. But in the meantime we thought we would take you on a little tour of some of the out of the way or little noticed spots that make up our fair county.
Now, don’t worry. We’re not going to lead you to some dark and dank spot that you’ll end up writing about in your travel journals as “the worst place I ever imagined they would serve actual food in.” Those would be the aforementioned mushroom composting houses, and we promise we won’t take you there, although you’ll likely get a whiff of them as we stop by the first spot on the tour, the White Clary Creek Preserve.
The White Clay is one of our county’s most scenic waterways, but it gets short shrift in the public relations department because of all the attention paid by the national media to the Brandywine Creek. The White Clay’s relationship to the Brandywine is sort of the aquatic version of that between the Chicago White Sox and the Chicago Cubs; you get the sense that one team is richer, fuller, more die hard and truer in spirit than the other, but the other squad gets all the pub from yuppie outsiders just because of the ballpark.
I mean, put all those Wyeths in an old composting house on London Tract Road along the White Clay instead of an old mill at the River Museum, and you’d see documentaries on National Geographic TV about William Penn buying the White Clay Creek land from Chief Kekelappen 24/7. Trust me on this.
While we’re on our way back north from the White Clay we thought you’d like to stop on top of the hills south of Coatesville, the city which you may have heard so much about in the national media of late. Try to ignore that. We’d like you to pay particular attention to the view from Hilltop Road across what used to be the King Ranch and which is now part of the stunningly beautiful Laurels Preserve, which you are not technically allowed to look at, or even think about, unless your annual income approaches the mid-seven figures, but go ahead anyway because we’re not going to drop a dime on you.
The folks from Texas will recognize the name of the King Ranch as the largest cattle operation in the world, but you probably didn’t know that the King family bought about 17,000 acres here in Chester County to fatten the cattle with grass feed. You might want to imagine the manure-based compost produced by those longhorns, but we don’t, so we’ll move on.
We’re stopping finally at the corner of Market and Church streets in downtown West Chester because it’s the site of the former Mansion House Hotel and Restaurant. The place was built in 1846 as a temperance house, which we feel is particularly ironic since it’s where a memorable meal took place in the early 1970s. Seems a lawyer acquaintance of ours had just secured the release from jail of a few well, shall we say, fallen women, by promising a judge they’d be out of the county before nightfall, when he decided that it might not be such a bad idea to celebrate their freedom with some spirits across the street at the Mansion House. Several hours and as many bottles of wine later he had to call his wife to come pick him up, and in the meantime wondered if she’d like to meet his new clients.
We’re still uncertain if she got the joke, but we appreciate the humor in the situation nonetheless. We hope you did, too. The Mansion House is now a bank, by the way. Which we suppose is better than a mushroom composting house, but not by much.
Hello tourists! Welcome to Chester County, land of rolling hills, historic battlefields, stone barns, and the fresh scents emanating from various mushroom composting houses! We’re glad to have you!
We know you’ve been aching to see the sights that the Chester County Conference and Visitors Bureau described in its most recent propagand..., er, brochure, and we trust that at some point in your life you’ll get to see Longwood Gardens, the Brandywine River Museum, the Chester County Historic Courthouse and the QVC studios. But in the meantime we thought we would take you on a little tour of some of the out of the way or little noticed spots that make up our fair county.
Now, don’t worry. We’re not going to lead you to some dark and dank spot that you’ll end up writing about in your travel journals as “the worst place I ever imagined they would serve actual food in.” Those would be the aforementioned mushroom composting houses, and we promise we won’t take you there, although you’ll likely get a whiff of them as we stop by the first spot on the tour, the White Clary Creek Preserve.
The White Clay is one of our county’s most scenic waterways, but it gets short shrift in the public relations department because of all the attention paid by the national media to the Brandywine Creek. The White Clay’s relationship to the Brandywine is sort of the aquatic version of that between the Chicago White Sox and the Chicago Cubs; you get the sense that one team is richer, fuller, more die hard and truer in spirit than the other, but the other squad gets all the pub from yuppie outsiders just because of the ballpark.
I mean, put all those Wyeths in an old composting house on London Tract Road along the White Clay instead of an old mill at the River Museum, and you’d see documentaries on National Geographic TV about William Penn buying the White Clay Creek land from Chief Kekelappen 24/7. Trust me on this.
While we’re on our way back north from the White Clay we thought you’d like to stop on top of the hills south of Coatesville, the city which you may have heard so much about in the national media of late. Try to ignore that. We’d like you to pay particular attention to the view from Hilltop Road across what used to be the King Ranch and which is now part of the stunningly beautiful Laurels Preserve, which you are not technically allowed to look at, or even think about, unless your annual income approaches the mid-seven figures, but go ahead anyway because we’re not going to drop a dime on you.
The folks from Texas will recognize the name of the King Ranch as the largest cattle operation in the world, but you probably didn’t know that the King family bought about 17,000 acres here in Chester County to fatten the cattle with grass feed. You might want to imagine the manure-based compost produced by those longhorns, but we don’t, so we’ll move on.
We’re stopping finally at the corner of Market and Church streets in downtown West Chester because it’s the site of the former Mansion House Hotel and Restaurant. The place was built in 1846 as a temperance house, which we feel is particularly ironic since it’s where a memorable meal took place in the early 1970s. Seems a lawyer acquaintance of ours had just secured the release from jail of a few well, shall we say, fallen women, by promising a judge they’d be out of the county before nightfall, when he decided that it might not be such a bad idea to celebrate their freedom with some spirits across the street at the Mansion House. Several hours and as many bottles of wine later he had to call his wife to come pick him up, and in the meantime wondered if she’d like to meet his new clients.
We’re still uncertain if she got the joke, but we appreciate the humor in the situation nonetheless. We hope you did, too. The Mansion House is now a bank, by the way. Which we suppose is better than a mushroom composting house, but not by much.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last I've Found You....
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Feb. 8, 2009.
Constant Reader Ed of West Chester wants to know something, and he wants me to get the answer. What Constant Reader Ed from West Chester wants to know is, “Why is there no grape bubble gum for sale in West Chester?”
I will give you all a moment or two to ponder that, while I explain that everyone has their own particular Chester County mystery, and it is my lot in life that they usually ask me to solve their personal riddles. Other people I know are asked how their health is or how their car is running or how many hours they had to wait in line at the self-service car wash to rid their cars of the winter’s ubiquitous coating of salty brine residue when they greet an acquaintance. I get asked why there are no park benches in front of the Chester County Justice Center, or where the hell the grape bubble gum is.
The sorts of mysteries I refer to are not the Sherlock Holmes/Miss Marple/Nero Wolfe-type mystery. The mysteries I speak of are the unanswerable questions we ponder while waiting for the light to change. Such as, “Who decided we need another bank in this town?”
My personal mystery starts, and ends, in Exton. What, I ask myself on an almost hourly basis, is up with the West Whiteland Municipal Building?
No, not the old one on Route 100 that looks like a plantation house from northern Virginia circa 1776. I’m referring to the building on the oh-so-aptly named Commerce Drive in the Main Street at Exton “life-style mall” that looks like a post-modern, avant-garde, semi-psychotic architect’s nervous doodling brought to brick-and-mortar fruition.
To get those you who are still pondering the grape bubble gum query a chance to catch up, let me explain that the West Whiteland Municipal Building has stood largely finished but virtually unoccupied for months. How long has it been thus? Remember when the only obstacle that stood between Hillary Clinton and the White House was the issue of whether or not she knew how to measure the drapes for the Oval Office? Well, the building has been around since before then.
There it sits, unused, vacant, and surrounded by a chain link fence that screams, as only a chain link fence can scream, “Keep out!” Apparently, the notion that a building pretty much completed might actually be put to use is not one that I alone harbor. In fact, the matter has raised such a ruckus in West Whiteland that the township devoted a full page of its Fall 2008 newsletter to the matter.
The building isn’t being used, the anonymous author of the newsletter informs us, because it is waiting for the “fit out” to be completed. “These contracts are for installation of the walls, flooring, finishes, electrical fixtures, plumbing, and HVAC necessary for the proper functioning of the building,” the newsletter informs us cheerily. It’s like those neighbors of yours who built a fancy new home in the cul-de-sac but did not have exactly enough scratch to put actual furniture and carpeting and kitchen cabinets in the place, so they wind up eating dinner on the hood of the SUV in the garage. Except that the West Whiteland Municipal Building cost $16 million.
Ooops, sorry! I meant $16,347,503. But who’s counting?
Here’s my favorite part of the newsletter article about the building. “A fifth query” – can’t you just imagine the phone calls? – “we have been asked is, ‘When will the Township have the deed for this property?’ At present, we have a court order that allows us access to the property to construct our building. Unfortunately, the developer who holds the deed has refused to deliver it to the Township. Following lengthy, unsuccessful efforts to resolve this issue, the Township is now pursuing a legal resolution to this matter.” Folks, I’ve been a courthouse reporter since 1992, and when the answer to a question includes terms such as “court order” and “legal resolution” and “unfortunately,” there is only one response: “No good can come of this.”
Anyway, the whole thing is supposed to be taken care of by this summer, when the newsletter estimates the township will move into the building. This would reassure me except that I once read in Popular Mechanics magazine that in the summer of 2009 we would all drive flying cars when we weren’t riding monorails and eating freeze-dried Chicken a la King. So pardon me if I remain skeptical.
Oh, and to Constant Reader Ed from West Chester: The answer is, “It’s a mystery.”
Constant Reader Ed of West Chester wants to know something, and he wants me to get the answer. What Constant Reader Ed from West Chester wants to know is, “Why is there no grape bubble gum for sale in West Chester?”
I will give you all a moment or two to ponder that, while I explain that everyone has their own particular Chester County mystery, and it is my lot in life that they usually ask me to solve their personal riddles. Other people I know are asked how their health is or how their car is running or how many hours they had to wait in line at the self-service car wash to rid their cars of the winter’s ubiquitous coating of salty brine residue when they greet an acquaintance. I get asked why there are no park benches in front of the Chester County Justice Center, or where the hell the grape bubble gum is.
The sorts of mysteries I refer to are not the Sherlock Holmes/Miss Marple/Nero Wolfe-type mystery. The mysteries I speak of are the unanswerable questions we ponder while waiting for the light to change. Such as, “Who decided we need another bank in this town?”
My personal mystery starts, and ends, in Exton. What, I ask myself on an almost hourly basis, is up with the West Whiteland Municipal Building?
No, not the old one on Route 100 that looks like a plantation house from northern Virginia circa 1776. I’m referring to the building on the oh-so-aptly named Commerce Drive in the Main Street at Exton “life-style mall” that looks like a post-modern, avant-garde, semi-psychotic architect’s nervous doodling brought to brick-and-mortar fruition.
To get those you who are still pondering the grape bubble gum query a chance to catch up, let me explain that the West Whiteland Municipal Building has stood largely finished but virtually unoccupied for months. How long has it been thus? Remember when the only obstacle that stood between Hillary Clinton and the White House was the issue of whether or not she knew how to measure the drapes for the Oval Office? Well, the building has been around since before then.
There it sits, unused, vacant, and surrounded by a chain link fence that screams, as only a chain link fence can scream, “Keep out!” Apparently, the notion that a building pretty much completed might actually be put to use is not one that I alone harbor. In fact, the matter has raised such a ruckus in West Whiteland that the township devoted a full page of its Fall 2008 newsletter to the matter.
The building isn’t being used, the anonymous author of the newsletter informs us, because it is waiting for the “fit out” to be completed. “These contracts are for installation of the walls, flooring, finishes, electrical fixtures, plumbing, and HVAC necessary for the proper functioning of the building,” the newsletter informs us cheerily. It’s like those neighbors of yours who built a fancy new home in the cul-de-sac but did not have exactly enough scratch to put actual furniture and carpeting and kitchen cabinets in the place, so they wind up eating dinner on the hood of the SUV in the garage. Except that the West Whiteland Municipal Building cost $16 million.
Ooops, sorry! I meant $16,347,503. But who’s counting?
Here’s my favorite part of the newsletter article about the building. “A fifth query” – can’t you just imagine the phone calls? – “we have been asked is, ‘When will the Township have the deed for this property?’ At present, we have a court order that allows us access to the property to construct our building. Unfortunately, the developer who holds the deed has refused to deliver it to the Township. Following lengthy, unsuccessful efforts to resolve this issue, the Township is now pursuing a legal resolution to this matter.” Folks, I’ve been a courthouse reporter since 1992, and when the answer to a question includes terms such as “court order” and “legal resolution” and “unfortunately,” there is only one response: “No good can come of this.”
Anyway, the whole thing is supposed to be taken care of by this summer, when the newsletter estimates the township will move into the building. This would reassure me except that I once read in Popular Mechanics magazine that in the summer of 2009 we would all drive flying cars when we weren’t riding monorails and eating freeze-dried Chicken a la King. So pardon me if I remain skeptical.
Oh, and to Constant Reader Ed from West Chester: The answer is, “It’s a mystery.”
Monday, February 02, 2009
Hearts for Megan Redux
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Feb. 1, 2009
Every life involves an amount of tragedy. The portion allotted to us may be larger or smaller – the loss of a home, say, versus a loss in the NFC Championship Game – but the time does come when it seems as though the world is falling apart around us.
The way in which we approach that inevitable tragedy, then, comes to mark us. Do we become bitter at life and bear the weight with scorn and vitriol, or do we reach within and pull some light out of our personal darkness?
I am sure that there are better ways to handle tragedy than the way Michael Bates, his ex-wife Kim Fellows, and their daughter Clare Bates have. But if theirs is not the best then at least it will do until the best shows up.
Their daughter and sister, Megan Bates, died in a traffic accident on Feb. 12, 2007, as she was on her way home from a night out in West Chester, where she was attending college. She was just 21. She died when the car she was a passenger in skidded off he road and into a utility pole. Making her death even more horrific was the fact that the driver was her boyfriend, and he was drunk.
I first encountered the Bates-Fellows family at the sentencing hearing for that young man, who would eventually be sent to state prison for the crash. I found it profoundly moving that rather than dwell on the anger and pain that this crime had brought their family, Megan Bates’ parents urged him to atone for his actions and make their daughter proud of his life.
“If she were here today, she would say to you, as she has said to me, to be strong,” Michael Bates told the young man as they stood in a courtroom filled with tears. Looking him in the eye, Bates also said he wanted something else from his daughter’s killer. “I want to hear from you. I want to hear that you’ve made your life better. I want you to do that to honor Megan.”
Some time later, I sat in Kim Fellows’ kitchen in West Whiteland and listened as the family talked about Megan, and what a remarkable force she had been in their lives.
She had a “desire for things to be perfect for everybody,” Fellows said, remarking that she could not remember setting out consciously to instill such values in her daughter . “She had such a strong sense of self, from a very, very early age.”
I was there to listen to the family’s plans to join with Megan’s friends and fellow workers at the Riverstone Cafe in Exton for an event, called Hearts for Megan, that would honor her life and at the same time raise money for the Mommy’s Light charity, which arranges for children who have lost their mother to have certain traditions carried on – such as baking Christmas cookies, playing Monopoly together, or simply going to the zoo on a summer day – as a way of helping to deal with the loss. Fellows said it as chosen because of Megan Bates' devotion to her own family traditions.
The event, organized by the Bates-Fellows family and Riverstone owner Nicholas Cacchione, was held last Feb. 13, and was a deep success, in more ways than the nearly $20,000 that went to Mommy’s Light at the end of the night. In Michael Bates’ words, “I stopped and looked around and all around there were nothing but smiles and people laughing.” It seems the tears had started to dry.
In extending her family's gratitude for those who participated in the event, Fellows related the Cherokee myth of the Good Wolf and the Bad Wolf. In it, a grandfather explains to his grandson that there is an ongoing struggle in all people between the Bad Wolf, which represents greed, envy, anger and jealousy, and the Good Wolf, which represents kindness, compassion and forgiveness.
The grandson thinks about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replies simply: "The one you feed."
Fellows thanked those who came, “for feeding the Good Wolf.”
This year, Hearts for Megan will be held on Wednesday, Feb. 11, at the Riverstone, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Fellows said that students from Downingtown West High School had become involved, and that the television personality Glenn Beck had also taken up the Mommy’s Light cause. “We’re trying to keep it ‘hometown,’ but it is really kind of exciting,” the way the event has grown, Fellows told me Friday.
We have had a lot of tragedy in our community in the past weeks and months, and people have lost things that can never be replaced. But if you want to see how love can fill the cup that has been emptied, you ought to stop by.
For more information, go to www.heartsformegan.com
Every life involves an amount of tragedy. The portion allotted to us may be larger or smaller – the loss of a home, say, versus a loss in the NFC Championship Game – but the time does come when it seems as though the world is falling apart around us.
The way in which we approach that inevitable tragedy, then, comes to mark us. Do we become bitter at life and bear the weight with scorn and vitriol, or do we reach within and pull some light out of our personal darkness?
I am sure that there are better ways to handle tragedy than the way Michael Bates, his ex-wife Kim Fellows, and their daughter Clare Bates have. But if theirs is not the best then at least it will do until the best shows up.
Their daughter and sister, Megan Bates, died in a traffic accident on Feb. 12, 2007, as she was on her way home from a night out in West Chester, where she was attending college. She was just 21. She died when the car she was a passenger in skidded off he road and into a utility pole. Making her death even more horrific was the fact that the driver was her boyfriend, and he was drunk.
I first encountered the Bates-Fellows family at the sentencing hearing for that young man, who would eventually be sent to state prison for the crash. I found it profoundly moving that rather than dwell on the anger and pain that this crime had brought their family, Megan Bates’ parents urged him to atone for his actions and make their daughter proud of his life.
“If she were here today, she would say to you, as she has said to me, to be strong,” Michael Bates told the young man as they stood in a courtroom filled with tears. Looking him in the eye, Bates also said he wanted something else from his daughter’s killer. “I want to hear from you. I want to hear that you’ve made your life better. I want you to do that to honor Megan.”
Some time later, I sat in Kim Fellows’ kitchen in West Whiteland and listened as the family talked about Megan, and what a remarkable force she had been in their lives.
She had a “desire for things to be perfect for everybody,” Fellows said, remarking that she could not remember setting out consciously to instill such values in her daughter . “She had such a strong sense of self, from a very, very early age.”
I was there to listen to the family’s plans to join with Megan’s friends and fellow workers at the Riverstone Cafe in Exton for an event, called Hearts for Megan, that would honor her life and at the same time raise money for the Mommy’s Light charity, which arranges for children who have lost their mother to have certain traditions carried on – such as baking Christmas cookies, playing Monopoly together, or simply going to the zoo on a summer day – as a way of helping to deal with the loss. Fellows said it as chosen because of Megan Bates' devotion to her own family traditions.
The event, organized by the Bates-Fellows family and Riverstone owner Nicholas Cacchione, was held last Feb. 13, and was a deep success, in more ways than the nearly $20,000 that went to Mommy’s Light at the end of the night. In Michael Bates’ words, “I stopped and looked around and all around there were nothing but smiles and people laughing.” It seems the tears had started to dry.
In extending her family's gratitude for those who participated in the event, Fellows related the Cherokee myth of the Good Wolf and the Bad Wolf. In it, a grandfather explains to his grandson that there is an ongoing struggle in all people between the Bad Wolf, which represents greed, envy, anger and jealousy, and the Good Wolf, which represents kindness, compassion and forgiveness.
The grandson thinks about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replies simply: "The one you feed."
Fellows thanked those who came, “for feeding the Good Wolf.”
This year, Hearts for Megan will be held on Wednesday, Feb. 11, at the Riverstone, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Fellows said that students from Downingtown West High School had become involved, and that the television personality Glenn Beck had also taken up the Mommy’s Light cause. “We’re trying to keep it ‘hometown,’ but it is really kind of exciting,” the way the event has grown, Fellows told me Friday.
We have had a lot of tragedy in our community in the past weeks and months, and people have lost things that can never be replaced. But if you want to see how love can fill the cup that has been emptied, you ought to stop by.
For more information, go to www.heartsformegan.com
Monday, January 26, 2009
House Rules
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Jan. 25, 2009.
Everyone has rules in life. Call your mother on Mother's Day. Take the shopping cart back to the cart corral. Never buy the first newspaper in the stack. Always park the car with the headlights facing out. Never buy a hamburger from a person dressed as a clown.
One of my rules is to always live near famous people. I've been at it for more than 50 years, and it's served me well.
These famous people may be dead at the current time, to quote "Perfesser" Casey Stengel, but frankly it's my rule and I can position the exception to it any way I darn well please, thank you very much. They need not even be famous at the current time, but as long as there was once a connection between them and the outside world that meant if you mentioned their name in polite conversation the other fellow would not look at you with a sense of bewilderment, I'm good.
Like my current neighbor, Smedley Darlington Butler.
I'll get to him more in a moment, but first I wanted to take you back to the early 1970s, when I first began propagating this rule. That was the time period when the family next door to our house in Cincinnati included a young girl who my sisters and I called Sarah and who you now call Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yes, that Sarah Jessica Parker. The "Sex and the City" star. The second "Annie" on Broadway Sarah Jessica Parker. And I'm talking about the Hollywood Sarah Parker, not the Chief Justice of the North Carolina State Supreme Court Sarah Parker. She and her family — three brothers, two sisters, a mother, stepfather and beat up old VW Microbus they never drove — lived next door to my family before she hit it big. (Trivia: SJP's first television appearance was in a local half-hour Christmas special of "The Little Match Girl." We watched it like it was Obama's inauguration. Not to spoil things for you, but her character dies in the end. Don't ask me why.) She moved to New York when I was in college, so I never got the chance to say goodbye.
It certainly should be obvious to the readers of this column that for more than a quarter century I lived in a house across the street from Buffalo Bill Cody and Claude Rains — although unlike my association with Sarah Jessica Parker, I never was afforded the opportunity of playing "Kick the Can" with either Messers. Cody or Rains. (More trivia: SJP was much better at "Cry Wolf" than "Kick the Can." Don't ask me why.) They had both long since shuffled off their mortal coils by the time I arrived in town. Cody wintered at the red brick mansion in the 300 block of South Church Street around the turn of the century while his Wild West Show played uptown, and Rains lived in the 400 block at the intersection with West Dean Street after his days of performing in films as the Invisible Man had come to a fortunate end.
To be sure, the selling point my new landlady pitched to me when she told me about the spot that was to become my new home had nothing to do with its nearness to fame. She was selling availability, not proximity. But for those of you without a proper sense of history, Smedley Darlington Butler was the Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf of his day.
He was born in West Chester to a prominent Quaker family and grew up to become one of the country's most decorated Marines. He served in China, Honduras, in World War I. He uncovered the alleged Business Plot to overthrow the presidency of Franklin Delano Roosevelt in a military coup, and wrote a book called "War is a Racket." He had not one, but two nicknames, "Old Gimlet Eye" and "The Fighting Quaker." (Trivia: The nickname of my college basketball team was "The Hustling Quakers," although we lost games with stunning regularity. Don't ask me why.) He lived in the 200 block of West Miner Street and so, now, do I.
Thus, when I sit on the porch and gaze across the street I know I am looking not just at a red brick house with anonymous tenants, but at the concrete realization of my life's rule: make a neighbor of someone famous. So thanks for having been around, Smedley. (Trivia: SJP once starred in the movie "Dudley Do-right," the villain of which is named "Snidley." Don't ask me why.)
Everyone has rules in life. Call your mother on Mother's Day. Take the shopping cart back to the cart corral. Never buy the first newspaper in the stack. Always park the car with the headlights facing out. Never buy a hamburger from a person dressed as a clown.
One of my rules is to always live near famous people. I've been at it for more than 50 years, and it's served me well.
These famous people may be dead at the current time, to quote "Perfesser" Casey Stengel, but frankly it's my rule and I can position the exception to it any way I darn well please, thank you very much. They need not even be famous at the current time, but as long as there was once a connection between them and the outside world that meant if you mentioned their name in polite conversation the other fellow would not look at you with a sense of bewilderment, I'm good.
Like my current neighbor, Smedley Darlington Butler.
I'll get to him more in a moment, but first I wanted to take you back to the early 1970s, when I first began propagating this rule. That was the time period when the family next door to our house in Cincinnati included a young girl who my sisters and I called Sarah and who you now call Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yes, that Sarah Jessica Parker. The "Sex and the City" star. The second "Annie" on Broadway Sarah Jessica Parker. And I'm talking about the Hollywood Sarah Parker, not the Chief Justice of the North Carolina State Supreme Court Sarah Parker. She and her family — three brothers, two sisters, a mother, stepfather and beat up old VW Microbus they never drove — lived next door to my family before she hit it big. (Trivia: SJP's first television appearance was in a local half-hour Christmas special of "The Little Match Girl." We watched it like it was Obama's inauguration. Not to spoil things for you, but her character dies in the end. Don't ask me why.) She moved to New York when I was in college, so I never got the chance to say goodbye.
It certainly should be obvious to the readers of this column that for more than a quarter century I lived in a house across the street from Buffalo Bill Cody and Claude Rains — although unlike my association with Sarah Jessica Parker, I never was afforded the opportunity of playing "Kick the Can" with either Messers. Cody or Rains. (More trivia: SJP was much better at "Cry Wolf" than "Kick the Can." Don't ask me why.) They had both long since shuffled off their mortal coils by the time I arrived in town. Cody wintered at the red brick mansion in the 300 block of South Church Street around the turn of the century while his Wild West Show played uptown, and Rains lived in the 400 block at the intersection with West Dean Street after his days of performing in films as the Invisible Man had come to a fortunate end.
To be sure, the selling point my new landlady pitched to me when she told me about the spot that was to become my new home had nothing to do with its nearness to fame. She was selling availability, not proximity. But for those of you without a proper sense of history, Smedley Darlington Butler was the Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf of his day.
He was born in West Chester to a prominent Quaker family and grew up to become one of the country's most decorated Marines. He served in China, Honduras, in World War I. He uncovered the alleged Business Plot to overthrow the presidency of Franklin Delano Roosevelt in a military coup, and wrote a book called "War is a Racket." He had not one, but two nicknames, "Old Gimlet Eye" and "The Fighting Quaker." (Trivia: The nickname of my college basketball team was "The Hustling Quakers," although we lost games with stunning regularity. Don't ask me why.) He lived in the 200 block of West Miner Street and so, now, do I.
Thus, when I sit on the porch and gaze across the street I know I am looking not just at a red brick house with anonymous tenants, but at the concrete realization of my life's rule: make a neighbor of someone famous. So thanks for having been around, Smedley. (Trivia: SJP once starred in the movie "Dudley Do-right," the villain of which is named "Snidley." Don't ask me why.)
Monday, January 19, 2009
Exit Andy
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Jan. 19, 20009
I had not been working at the Daily Local News for very long when the managing editor, Bob “Shoe” Shoemaker, handed me an assignment that struck me as impossible. I had to get in touch with Andrew Wyeth and record his comments on some or other award he was set to receive.
I looked at Shoe with the sort of look that reporters give their editors when their editors tell them to do something that any person with half a functioning brain should know is just not ever going to happen. “Get Sandra Day O’Connor on the phone and ask her how she’s going to rule in that anti-abortion case? Sure, chief, but first let me turn this lump of coal into the Hope Diamond. I’ll get back to you.”
But Shoe was adamant. I needed to get Andy on the horn ASAP. How in the world was I ever to do that, I asked. “Look him up in the phone book. He’s listed,” Shoe told me.
No way. No how. Can’t be, were my first three reactions -- the only ones printable here in a family newspaper. This is the guy with his own museum, for pity sakes. This is the man who created “Christina’s World,” the masterwork that had hung on my wall as a teenager in
But I did what I was told and picked up the phone book and looked under the “W’s.” And there he was, in black type, Wyeth A, somewhere between “Wyerman” and “Wygent.” And so I picked up the phone and dialed (remember, this is the mid-1980s and the ever cost conscious DLN, and yes, we did still have rotary phones) his number. It rang, someone picked up the other end, I asked for Andrew Wyeth, and he said, “Speaking.”
I thought of that day and that call Friday, or course, when the news came that Andy died in his sleep at age 91. You might be excused for thinking it fitting for him to pass away in his sleep, since the “removal into dreams,” as one critic I read put it, had so much to do with his work. I think primarily of “Night Sleeper,” the wonderful study of Wyeth’s dog, Nell Gwyn, lying on a sofa, her head pressed against a pillow and the moonlit Brinton’s Mill in the background, a painting that he said had come to him on a nocturnal walk about his home.
Or “Master Bedroom,” another of a dog fast asleep, this time on a large bed with a white bedspread and a pale blue sky through an ancient window. And finally, “Spring,” the wonderful landscape of an old man lying in a field while the snow melts around him and brings him back to the world of the living. Sleep is where magic can occur in our everyday worlds as we remove ourselves into dreams, and the best of Wyeth’s works were nothing short of magic.
I am sorry that Andy had to die, but also a bit relieved that he did. I think his beloved world around Chadds Ford and the Brandywine Creek valley has lost a bit of the character he captured, and don’t know whether its move into the modern world disturbed him the way it disturbs me. I love the dry brush painting, “Roasted Chestnut,” but its view of a youth on a dirt road selling that particular treat does not strike me as a scene one would find along the back byways of Chester County today.
I once wrote that there must be a category somewhere in the register of Chester County Citizenship Requirements that dictates that you have to have at least one Andrew Wyeth Moment in your life if you are to truly count yourself among the truly blessed. That is, a time when you, or someone close to you, have a brush with the most famous painter ever to eat at Hank’s Place on Route One. I’ve had my share over the years, including the aforementioned telephone call, but my last one didn’t involve meeting or seeing or talking with Andy.
My friend Julia and I visited Andy’s family home, there off
I didn’t move to
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Being A Good Newspaperman
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Jan. 11, 2009.
Like any good newspaperman, I have my share of secret sources, those people who call me on the telephone using hushed voices to relate information that otherwise would not see the light of day, leaving it up to me whether to investigate further in the cause of freedom and justice or to put the notes in a stack of press releases from the public relations firm that believes the next Pulitzer Prize-winning story is the one involving their client, the Roto-Tiller Cultural Institute and Dramatic Society, of Modena.
And like any good newspaperman, I keep the identities of those secret sources anonymous, refusing to tell anyone, even them, who they are, not even if compelled to by a court of law. New York Times scribe Judy Miller, who went to jail to protect someone who had actually told her it was all right with him to say his name in public, has nothing on me. I would gladly be incarcerated to protect the sanctity of the reporter-source relationship, especially because I am under the distinct impression my landlord will forgo any rent due while I am an official Guest of Her Majesty, as we like to say around the Chester County Justice Center.
So like any good newspaperman, I am not going to divulge the identity of the secret source who I spoke with last week and who informed me, somewhat breathlessly, that he had witnessed …
What? I thought. Official corruption? Bribes being passed between obscenely rich land developers and municipal codes enforcement officers? Text messages describing illicit encounters between high-profile county elected officials and certain cocktail waitresses who wore Dolly Parton-esque wigs? What was he spilling the beans about?
… a Bald Eagle flying down Route 322 outside Downingtown.
I may have not gotten the story straight at this point, so forgive me if what I am reporting here today is not as accurate as I normally demand of my work. But frankly, I quit listening when it dawned on me that what he was giving up was about as much value in the world of high-powered investigative reporting as the worn Chuck Converse high-top sneakers I threw away last month. There’s Gov. Rod Blagojevich caught on tape selling U.S. Senate appointments like so many beef ‘n beer tickets, and then there’s the occasional avian sighting outside West Chester. Or Downingtown. Whatever.
Don’t get me wrong. I am all for stories about Bald Eagles. And American Eagles. And the occasional osprey. I once spent several hours of my working day chronicling the discovery outside the Daily Local News offices’ of an exotic cockatoo and the bird’s eventual reunion with its owner. Even though some readers have of late referred to me as “completely offensive, arrogant and disrespectful,” I feel I can relate to the public’s general sense of newsworthy fascination in finding sea gulls pecking at food crumbs in the parking lot of the Giant supermarket across the street from our offices.
I would even be willing to participate in a newspaper contest to name a parrot who saved a woman from burning in a house fire and who later turned out to be of a different gender than first assumed – as a certain unnamed publication once did.
But why, I wondered to myself, did I have to keep the source’s name a secret? Was the person someone involved in anti-Bald Eagle activities and wanted to keep their bias out of the paper? Would the person’s employers wonder what he, or she, was doing calling the media to report local raptor activity? Was the person flat out lying and not wanting to be caught misrepresenting what had been seen?
I halfway feel like outing my secret source, thus punishing him for bothering me with this scoop-less scoop. But that would be unethical, and possibly time consuming. So I did what I always do in these situations. I told him I’d “look into it,” and “get back to him” if necessary. And I considered what angle the folks at the Roto-Tiller Cultural Institute and Dramatic Society, of Modena, had in mind exactly. Like any good newspaperman would.
Like any good newspaperman, I have my share of secret sources, those people who call me on the telephone using hushed voices to relate information that otherwise would not see the light of day, leaving it up to me whether to investigate further in the cause of freedom and justice or to put the notes in a stack of press releases from the public relations firm that believes the next Pulitzer Prize-winning story is the one involving their client, the Roto-Tiller Cultural Institute and Dramatic Society, of Modena.
And like any good newspaperman, I keep the identities of those secret sources anonymous, refusing to tell anyone, even them, who they are, not even if compelled to by a court of law. New York Times scribe Judy Miller, who went to jail to protect someone who had actually told her it was all right with him to say his name in public, has nothing on me. I would gladly be incarcerated to protect the sanctity of the reporter-source relationship, especially because I am under the distinct impression my landlord will forgo any rent due while I am an official Guest of Her Majesty, as we like to say around the Chester County Justice Center.
So like any good newspaperman, I am not going to divulge the identity of the secret source who I spoke with last week and who informed me, somewhat breathlessly, that he had witnessed …
What? I thought. Official corruption? Bribes being passed between obscenely rich land developers and municipal codes enforcement officers? Text messages describing illicit encounters between high-profile county elected officials and certain cocktail waitresses who wore Dolly Parton-esque wigs? What was he spilling the beans about?
… a Bald Eagle flying down Route 322 outside Downingtown.
I may have not gotten the story straight at this point, so forgive me if what I am reporting here today is not as accurate as I normally demand of my work. But frankly, I quit listening when it dawned on me that what he was giving up was about as much value in the world of high-powered investigative reporting as the worn Chuck Converse high-top sneakers I threw away last month. There’s Gov. Rod Blagojevich caught on tape selling U.S. Senate appointments like so many beef ‘n beer tickets, and then there’s the occasional avian sighting outside West Chester. Or Downingtown. Whatever.
Don’t get me wrong. I am all for stories about Bald Eagles. And American Eagles. And the occasional osprey. I once spent several hours of my working day chronicling the discovery outside the Daily Local News offices’ of an exotic cockatoo and the bird’s eventual reunion with its owner. Even though some readers have of late referred to me as “completely offensive, arrogant and disrespectful,” I feel I can relate to the public’s general sense of newsworthy fascination in finding sea gulls pecking at food crumbs in the parking lot of the Giant supermarket across the street from our offices.
I would even be willing to participate in a newspaper contest to name a parrot who saved a woman from burning in a house fire and who later turned out to be of a different gender than first assumed – as a certain unnamed publication once did.
But why, I wondered to myself, did I have to keep the source’s name a secret? Was the person someone involved in anti-Bald Eagle activities and wanted to keep their bias out of the paper? Would the person’s employers wonder what he, or she, was doing calling the media to report local raptor activity? Was the person flat out lying and not wanting to be caught misrepresenting what had been seen?
I halfway feel like outing my secret source, thus punishing him for bothering me with this scoop-less scoop. But that would be unethical, and possibly time consuming. So I did what I always do in these situations. I told him I’d “look into it,” and “get back to him” if necessary. And I considered what angle the folks at the Roto-Tiller Cultural Institute and Dramatic Society, of Modena, had in mind exactly. Like any good newspaperman would.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Old County, New Map
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Jan. 4, 2009
It's a new year, but it's the same old Chester County.
Call it a hangover from the hours I have spent recently arranging and then re-arranging furniture in my new apartment, or attribute my thoughts on the geographical makeup of Chester County to my lifelong appreciation of the work on Continental Drift by the German meteorologist Alfred Wegener (b.1880, d.1930, m. 1912 to Else Koppen, daughter of the "Grand Old Man of Meteorology," Wladimir Koppen), but I think it's high time we reconsidered the present layout of the 72 municipalities we have here.
The basic blueprint of Chester County was set back in 1789 when Delaware County was finally, and thankfully, excised from our borders, left to wallow in its own cheesesteak grease. The arrangement of the municipalities hasn't changed since the creation in 1921 of not only South Coatesville but also Modena — two places that frankly could be left off any road map of the county with few people the worse for wear, but there you have it. We've had 188 years of uninterrupted sameness in the county, and I say that as we near the centennial of the formation of South Coatesville and Modena in 2021 we put our collective minds together on moving things around so that they make a little more sense.
I know that some of you will ridicule me for thinking it possible to physically relocate a municipality from one place on the map to another seemingly overnight, but I would point out that there were those eminent geologists who ridiculed my hero Wegener when he first started talking about Continental Drift and the theory of Pangaea, and what did he do? He took off in a hot air balloon with his brother Kurt to win an international contest by staying aloft for 52 hours so he wouldn't have to listen to the geologists scoffing, of course. I have a distinct fear of heights so I'm not about to do that, but I can still suffer your arrow slings of outrageous derision, nonetheless.
Here are my initial suggestions for moving things around on the map. Feel free to submit your own.
Let's start with the jewel in the crown, West Chester. We're the county seat, the center of attention, the destination sensation of the Delaware Valley (as anyone who has dared to venture out toward Gay Street on Restaurant Festival Sunday is more than painfully aware) and yet we (a) have no riverfront and (2) are not the center of the county. So we obviously need to switch places with Downingtown. We get the East Branch of the Brandywine Creek, they get the Goose Creek Waste Water Treatment Plant. We get an easy drive to Wegmans, and they can have the entire campus of West Chester University, kegs included.
Next up of course is the inclusion of the township of Chadds Ford, which I have argued in this space for some months naturally deserves to be part of Chester County rather than (shudder) Delaware County. I see a perfect space for it wedged in the Tri-Township area of Pocopson, Newlin and East Marlborough. The cheese, tweed and horse dung crowd out in Unionville will of course have no cause to look down their noses at these new neighbors, as they're probably sharing recipes for coq au vin or arugula salad or whatever it is you have with wine and cheese these days. Plus, you've got the added opportunity to change the name of the fire company over there from Po-Mar-Lin to something resembling actual words.
"What do we do with Coatesville?" I hear you ask. Not a problem. I say move the Steel City lock, stock and uncertified police chief to the 19301 ZIP code, right smack between Paoli and Berwyn on the Upper Main Line. The advantages of this are that the city residents will be able to look at a functioning community and decide to stop shooting one another, and that District Attorney Joe Carroll won't have to wear a bulletproof vest while walking the dog. I had thought of scrunching Coatesville in beside the other old aging steel town, Phoenixville, but that borough seems to be making a rise from the ashes and we wouldn't want to drag it down.
And as for Oxford? I say move it back to Mountain City, Tenn., where it apparently came from in the first place.
It's a new year, but it's the same old Chester County.
Call it a hangover from the hours I have spent recently arranging and then re-arranging furniture in my new apartment, or attribute my thoughts on the geographical makeup of Chester County to my lifelong appreciation of the work on Continental Drift by the German meteorologist Alfred Wegener (b.1880, d.1930, m. 1912 to Else Koppen, daughter of the "Grand Old Man of Meteorology," Wladimir Koppen), but I think it's high time we reconsidered the present layout of the 72 municipalities we have here.
The basic blueprint of Chester County was set back in 1789 when Delaware County was finally, and thankfully, excised from our borders, left to wallow in its own cheesesteak grease. The arrangement of the municipalities hasn't changed since the creation in 1921 of not only South Coatesville but also Modena — two places that frankly could be left off any road map of the county with few people the worse for wear, but there you have it. We've had 188 years of uninterrupted sameness in the county, and I say that as we near the centennial of the formation of South Coatesville and Modena in 2021 we put our collective minds together on moving things around so that they make a little more sense.
I know that some of you will ridicule me for thinking it possible to physically relocate a municipality from one place on the map to another seemingly overnight, but I would point out that there were those eminent geologists who ridiculed my hero Wegener when he first started talking about Continental Drift and the theory of Pangaea, and what did he do? He took off in a hot air balloon with his brother Kurt to win an international contest by staying aloft for 52 hours so he wouldn't have to listen to the geologists scoffing, of course. I have a distinct fear of heights so I'm not about to do that, but I can still suffer your arrow slings of outrageous derision, nonetheless.
Here are my initial suggestions for moving things around on the map. Feel free to submit your own.
Let's start with the jewel in the crown, West Chester. We're the county seat, the center of attention, the destination sensation of the Delaware Valley (as anyone who has dared to venture out toward Gay Street on Restaurant Festival Sunday is more than painfully aware) and yet we (a) have no riverfront and (2) are not the center of the county. So we obviously need to switch places with Downingtown. We get the East Branch of the Brandywine Creek, they get the Goose Creek Waste Water Treatment Plant. We get an easy drive to Wegmans, and they can have the entire campus of West Chester University, kegs included.
Next up of course is the inclusion of the township of Chadds Ford, which I have argued in this space for some months naturally deserves to be part of Chester County rather than (shudder) Delaware County. I see a perfect space for it wedged in the Tri-Township area of Pocopson, Newlin and East Marlborough. The cheese, tweed and horse dung crowd out in Unionville will of course have no cause to look down their noses at these new neighbors, as they're probably sharing recipes for coq au vin or arugula salad or whatever it is you have with wine and cheese these days. Plus, you've got the added opportunity to change the name of the fire company over there from Po-Mar-Lin to something resembling actual words.
"What do we do with Coatesville?" I hear you ask. Not a problem. I say move the Steel City lock, stock and uncertified police chief to the 19301 ZIP code, right smack between Paoli and Berwyn on the Upper Main Line. The advantages of this are that the city residents will be able to look at a functioning community and decide to stop shooting one another, and that District Attorney Joe Carroll won't have to wear a bulletproof vest while walking the dog. I had thought of scrunching Coatesville in beside the other old aging steel town, Phoenixville, but that borough seems to be making a rise from the ashes and we wouldn't want to drag it down.
And as for Oxford? I say move it back to Mountain City, Tenn., where it apparently came from in the first place.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A Ramblin' Guy Rambles On
This column, published Dec. 28, 2008, originally appeared as my annual Christms Letter, in slightly different form.
It goes without saying that I'm a rambling sort of guy, but I'm going to say it anyway: I'm a rambling sort of guy. And I don't mean my conversational style.
Always on the move, I am. Never comfortable staying in one place too long, me. A highway junkie, I need the ol' white line. My life's motto is, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." Or, as Publilius Syrus put it, from the original Latin: "People always moving, with no roots in one place, avoid responsibilities and cares." (He had quite a way with the words, that Publilius.)
So when I discovered recently that I had been living at the same address for 26 years, the news took me completely by surprise. Are you sure, I asked? Can you check those dates again, please, because I'm a rambling sort of guy and to stick around that long in one location would not fit my particular, well, idiom. But they looked and there it was in black and white: I'd been living at the same address on South Church Street (The Best Street in Chester County) in West Chester since December 1982. You know, back when the Soviet Union still existed and the use of tobacco was condoned in public buildings.
So of course I had to move, which I did last week. Goodbye South Church, hello West Miner.
I started living at the top of a beautiful brick building on South Church Street across from the well-known Buffalo Bill Cody home and had gradually been working my way down the staircase over the years, so it was fairly well assured that I'd be out the front door at some point. Now just seemed the perfect time to roll away, seeing as I've noticed some green bryophyta developing in the spaces between my toes.
I started in an apartment on the front of the third floor, in a two-room place with virtually no furniture, a kitchen stuck in a corner much like an afterthought, and a small bathroom with a sheet-metal shower stall. After a spell in a third-floor rear apartment that in the summer felt more like "The Box" that the prison guards send Paul Newman to in "Cool Hand Luke when he misbehaves ("What we have here is a failure to persperate") than any other place on Earth, I ended up on the second floor in a four-room apartment that contained more in the way of cultural artifacts than you would guess a man of my age and situation could reasonably be expected to have accumulated. Or, as my landlord once put it, "You got a lotta clutter."
There is a mystical sort of symmetry — which happens to be my favorite sort of symmetry — in the place I am moving to and the place I am moving from. My new home is a two-room apartment on the third floor with a small bathroom — perhaps even smaller than the one I brushed my teeth in back in 1982. But this time I'll have plenty of furniture, and not the kind that was created by placing wooden planks across the plastic milk cartons stolen from area convenience stores — the statute of limitations for, I might point out, have expired.
And although I've spent far too long in that old place on South Church Street for a rambling sort of guy like me, I have learned a few things in the years I spent there. Such as:
It can take 150 years to grow the perfect sugar maple tree, but only a day to take it down.
Parking spaces will appear magically when it is raining and you've got a load of groceries in the car. They will disappear, however, when the meter maid is on the prowl.
Most importantly, the electricity will always stay on in a summer thunderstorm, but only on the other side of the street.
I wish all of you happiness in your homes in the coming year, and hope that you will wander by and see my new place sometime. Don't wait too long, however, because, well, you know me …
It goes without saying that I'm a rambling sort of guy, but I'm going to say it anyway: I'm a rambling sort of guy. And I don't mean my conversational style.
Always on the move, I am. Never comfortable staying in one place too long, me. A highway junkie, I need the ol' white line. My life's motto is, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." Or, as Publilius Syrus put it, from the original Latin: "People always moving, with no roots in one place, avoid responsibilities and cares." (He had quite a way with the words, that Publilius.)
So when I discovered recently that I had been living at the same address for 26 years, the news took me completely by surprise. Are you sure, I asked? Can you check those dates again, please, because I'm a rambling sort of guy and to stick around that long in one location would not fit my particular, well, idiom. But they looked and there it was in black and white: I'd been living at the same address on South Church Street (The Best Street in Chester County) in West Chester since December 1982. You know, back when the Soviet Union still existed and the use of tobacco was condoned in public buildings.
So of course I had to move, which I did last week. Goodbye South Church, hello West Miner.
I started living at the top of a beautiful brick building on South Church Street across from the well-known Buffalo Bill Cody home and had gradually been working my way down the staircase over the years, so it was fairly well assured that I'd be out the front door at some point. Now just seemed the perfect time to roll away, seeing as I've noticed some green bryophyta developing in the spaces between my toes.
I started in an apartment on the front of the third floor, in a two-room place with virtually no furniture, a kitchen stuck in a corner much like an afterthought, and a small bathroom with a sheet-metal shower stall. After a spell in a third-floor rear apartment that in the summer felt more like "The Box" that the prison guards send Paul Newman to in "Cool Hand Luke when he misbehaves ("What we have here is a failure to persperate") than any other place on Earth, I ended up on the second floor in a four-room apartment that contained more in the way of cultural artifacts than you would guess a man of my age and situation could reasonably be expected to have accumulated. Or, as my landlord once put it, "You got a lotta clutter."
There is a mystical sort of symmetry — which happens to be my favorite sort of symmetry — in the place I am moving to and the place I am moving from. My new home is a two-room apartment on the third floor with a small bathroom — perhaps even smaller than the one I brushed my teeth in back in 1982. But this time I'll have plenty of furniture, and not the kind that was created by placing wooden planks across the plastic milk cartons stolen from area convenience stores — the statute of limitations for, I might point out, have expired.
And although I've spent far too long in that old place on South Church Street for a rambling sort of guy like me, I have learned a few things in the years I spent there. Such as:
It can take 150 years to grow the perfect sugar maple tree, but only a day to take it down.
Parking spaces will appear magically when it is raining and you've got a load of groceries in the car. They will disappear, however, when the meter maid is on the prowl.
Most importantly, the electricity will always stay on in a summer thunderstorm, but only on the other side of the street.
I wish all of you happiness in your homes in the coming year, and hope that you will wander by and see my new place sometime. Don't wait too long, however, because, well, you know me …
Case Closed, Opened
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Dec. 21, 2008
For those of you keeping track, I've got one mystery solved and another opened.
Don't know what I'm talking about? I refer you to the question I raised last week about a great slab of stone that sits quietly on the east side of North High Street across from the West Chester Golf and Country Club. It had no obvious purpose, with the possible exception of annoying me because I had no idea what it was. I am, after all, as news editor of the hometown paper, expected to keep on top of local items of interest, such as the reason behind West Chester's designation as the "Athens of Pennsylvania" (two locations on Gay Street that serve souvlaki, for those of you keeping score) or what the "B" in "B. Reed Henderson High School" stands for (I'm not telling, for those of you inquiring.)
I mentioned last Sunday that I could not divine what the stone slab was all about, and as luck would have it the following day two things happened: my telephone rang, and I picked it up to hear the gentle and thoughtful voice of Dr. F. Peter Rohrmayer.
Dr. Rohrmeyer has lived in West Chester since 1939 and practiced medicine here so long that by the day in May 1980 when he retired he had actually become pretty darn good, if not perfect, at the whole "doctor" thing. Dr. R informed me in his gentle and thoughtful way that the stone slab was not a slab at all but in fact the remnants of a horse trough that had been built by the person who owned the property along North High Street back in the days when horses were a regular sight on West Chester streets. He said that in years past, it had even been decorated at Christmastime, and that occasionally it would be festooned with flowers in the years after horses became its primary interest.
But what Dr. R. really had to tell me about the old trough and fountain had nothing to do with the thirst quenching business, and all to do with a mystery that has gone unsolved to this very day.
It seems that on the top of the fountain was a bronze statue of a boy and a dog (no obvious relation to the current state senator from the 16th Senatorial District of Pennsylvania, for those of you checking your Pennsylvania Manuals.) Dr. R. said he remembers seeing the statue even after horses disappeared from High Street, until one day sometime after the end of World War II. Suddenly, the statue was no longer there. Gone. Stolen. Unlawfully removed without permission of the rightful owner.
The good doc related that the conventional wisdom at the time was that some miscreant had wrenched the statue from its moorings to melt it down somehow and sell the metal for whatever bronze was selling for in post-1945 West Chester. But, he said, one day before he retired he had a patient sitting in his office who told him the real story behind the theft.
The man, who Dr. R. said was in the plumbing trade, told him that he had a friend who had the statue sitting in his garage, plain as day. Being the gentle, thoughtful and lawfully minded general practitioner that he is, Dr. R. urged the man to come clean and go to the police with the information so that the statue could be recovered and returned to its proper place. But the man demurred and passed away without letting the doctor know the name of his (presumably) thieving friend.
So there you have it.
Somewhere, in some corner of Chester County, perhaps, sits a statue of a boy and a dog in a garage on top of a stack of old National Geographic magazines. And the folks who move it out of the way every now and again to get at the badminton set it blocks probably don't even know where it came from.
And that's a shame, for those of you taking notice.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Arcana Mania
This column originally appeared on Sunday, Dec. 14, 2008
I know what you are thinking.
You are thinking that because I moved to West Chester 26 years ago to the month and have departed only occasionally to get a taste of Skyline Chili in Cincinnati, Ohio, I must know pretty much everything there is to know about West Chester.
You’re thinking that when it comes to West Chester, I’m the guru, the master, the Mr. Know It All. That because I can pick up the telephone and dial the number to the office of West Chester Borough Manager Ernie McNeely without even looking at the buttons on the phone, that I’ve got all the bases covered, West Chester-wise.
You’re thinking that since I’m one of the few people in the world of West Chester arcana who not only knows that Thomas U. Walter designed the Historic Chester County Courthouse on North High Street in West Chester, but also knows what the “U” in Thomas U. Walter stands for, and that it is Glen Osbourne, the East Coast Wrestling Association Hall of Fame member, Class of 1996, who was born in West Chester and not Glen Osborne, the New Zealand rugby player, I must be about the smartest person in the galaxy when it comes to West Cestrian knowledge.
You are thinking that, and you are thinking wrong.
There is a significant gap in my knowledge of West Chester that was made apparent just this past week, and I am not too big a man to admit it. Driving past the West Chester Golf and Country Club (est. 1898, 9-holes, par 35, 5,700 yards, slope rating 126, 111 W. Ashbridge St., 610-696-0150) on Thursday I noticed a large stone slab on the east side of North High Street that I must have driven past hundreds of times but paid no attention to.
But what the deuce is it? I asked myself. It stands front and center of a semi-circular stone wall and is about the size of an extra large steamer trunk. It has levels and mantles that suggest that there was some purpose to it that is no longer active. Made of granite or some other deep grey substance, I first thought it must have been an altar of some kind that was used when the folks who settled West Chester (orig. Turks Head, after Turks Head Inn, est. 1747, stagecoach stop, house specialty mutton, prop. Jack McFadden) conducted ritual human sacrifice.
Kidding. That’s Coatesville.
It made me think of the small stone fountain (erected 1869, one spigot for people, one for horses, a little trough at the bottom Andy Dinniman’s dog) in front of the county courthouse, but what would Senator Dinniman be doing walking his dog across from the golf club? His game is squash, after all. Was it a stone bench for the High Street ‘Dinky’ Trolley (est. Nov. 10, 1891, terminates West Chester Normal School, see John’s, Jimmy: Hot Dogs for replicate)? Was it akin to the stone obelisks in Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey” whose discovery signals man’s progress? It was clear I had I had more questions than answers.
I could have take this as a sign that I’d hit the wall when it comes to West Chester knowledge, but I’m a hard-headed sort of fellow and am taking this as a challenge. So some time in the coming quarter century when I find out what this stone mystery is about I will get back to you and let you know just what it is.
In the meantime, just for the record, it’s Thomas Ustick Walter.
Monday, December 08, 2008
This Is What It's All About
This originally appeared on Sunday, Dec. 7, 2008
If you are looking for a good way to spend your morning you might take my advice and stop by the West Chester Public Library on North Church Street.
You want to time it just right, though, so you get there just about the time that the children’s reading group is breaking out in song. I cannot think of a better experience to put you in a good frame of mind than to sit at a table in the West Chester Public Library looking out on North Church Street while listening to children singing “The Hokey Pokey Song” in the next room, all the time surrounded by shelves and shelves of books.
Libraries occupy a special space in my memory, in the main because -- and I’m paraphrasing Willie Sutton here -- that’s where the books are. The Rellahan family had a reverence for books that was on par with the reverence some Italian families show for particular meatball recipes. A sketch my older sister (now a valued member of the library staff at the high school we both graduated from) drew once of our family shows a bunch of people sitting around a living room, faces stuck in open books. She was probably reading something while she drew it.
There was the Clifton Library at the corner of Ludlow and Ormond in Cincinnati where I got my first library card and paid my first overdue fine, and the library at Clifton Elementary School, which was located in the cafeteria and thus provided me the opportunity to nourish my stomach and mind at the same time.
The Clifton Library was a small affair, very similar to the community libraries here in Chester County, but when I was old enough to take the city bus downtown I made haste for the main Cincinnati library branch, a relatively massive, multi-storied building. School friends and I would make regular trips to the main desk there to request books that we knew were not on the shelves and would thus have to be delivered to us on a dumbwaiter-like affair up from the basement stacks., a particulary magical experience for an 11-year-old. Even now when I return to my hometown I am certain to stop at two places – the Skyline Chili parlor at Clifton and Ludlow and the used book store at the main library on Vine Street.
When I got my fist newspaper job in Sturgis, Ky., you could regularly find me killing time at the town library while I put off writing about the winner of the Miss Union County Fair contest or whatever the tops story of the week was. When I hooked on at the Suburban and Wayne Times in 1980 covering Tredyffrin, one of the first controversies I wrote about was whether to open a library branch in the (then) new Chesterbrook community. The supervisors ultimately decided not to, providing me with the first item in my ever-growing file of Stupid Political Decisions.
I find myself spending more and more time at the Exton Library these days, although fighting for space in the parking lot there is not unlike finding a seat at a Saturday matinee showing of “Twilight.” I also like the painting of barns that have been on display at the Hankin Library up north, and so I visit there occasionally even though it’s about a half an hour out of my way.
But the West Chester library remains my favorite of all. When I try to wonder why I find myself looking at the stained glass windows at the front of the century old building. There’s an inscription on one that shows faintly through the incoming sunlight. It’s from Bayard Taylor, Kennett Square’s famous poet, literary critic and -- oddly enough -- travel author.
“The healing of the world is in its nameless saints,” it reads. “Each separate star seems nothing, but a myriad scattered stars break up the night and make it beautiful.” I am not entirely sure I grasp its full meaning but, like the Hokey Pokey, I am fairy certain that that’s what it’s all about.
If you are looking for a good way to spend your morning you might take my advice and stop by the West Chester Public Library on North Church Street.
You want to time it just right, though, so you get there just about the time that the children’s reading group is breaking out in song. I cannot think of a better experience to put you in a good frame of mind than to sit at a table in the West Chester Public Library looking out on North Church Street while listening to children singing “The Hokey Pokey Song” in the next room, all the time surrounded by shelves and shelves of books.
Libraries occupy a special space in my memory, in the main because -- and I’m paraphrasing Willie Sutton here -- that’s where the books are. The Rellahan family had a reverence for books that was on par with the reverence some Italian families show for particular meatball recipes. A sketch my older sister (now a valued member of the library staff at the high school we both graduated from) drew once of our family shows a bunch of people sitting around a living room, faces stuck in open books. She was probably reading something while she drew it.
There was the Clifton Library at the corner of Ludlow and Ormond in Cincinnati where I got my first library card and paid my first overdue fine, and the library at Clifton Elementary School, which was located in the cafeteria and thus provided me the opportunity to nourish my stomach and mind at the same time.
The Clifton Library was a small affair, very similar to the community libraries here in Chester County, but when I was old enough to take the city bus downtown I made haste for the main Cincinnati library branch, a relatively massive, multi-storied building. School friends and I would make regular trips to the main desk there to request books that we knew were not on the shelves and would thus have to be delivered to us on a dumbwaiter-like affair up from the basement stacks., a particulary magical experience for an 11-year-old. Even now when I return to my hometown I am certain to stop at two places – the Skyline Chili parlor at Clifton and Ludlow and the used book store at the main library on Vine Street.
When I got my fist newspaper job in Sturgis, Ky., you could regularly find me killing time at the town library while I put off writing about the winner of the Miss Union County Fair contest or whatever the tops story of the week was. When I hooked on at the Suburban and Wayne Times in 1980 covering Tredyffrin, one of the first controversies I wrote about was whether to open a library branch in the (then) new Chesterbrook community. The supervisors ultimately decided not to, providing me with the first item in my ever-growing file of Stupid Political Decisions.
I find myself spending more and more time at the Exton Library these days, although fighting for space in the parking lot there is not unlike finding a seat at a Saturday matinee showing of “Twilight.” I also like the painting of barns that have been on display at the Hankin Library up north, and so I visit there occasionally even though it’s about a half an hour out of my way.
But the West Chester library remains my favorite of all. When I try to wonder why I find myself looking at the stained glass windows at the front of the century old building. There’s an inscription on one that shows faintly through the incoming sunlight. It’s from Bayard Taylor, Kennett Square’s famous poet, literary critic and -- oddly enough -- travel author.
“The healing of the world is in its nameless saints,” it reads. “Each separate star seems nothing, but a myriad scattered stars break up the night and make it beautiful.” I am not entirely sure I grasp its full meaning but, like the Hokey Pokey, I am fairy certain that that’s what it’s all about.
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