The (Yawn) Commissioners

This appeared on Sept. 10, 2006

I found myself on the fifth floor of the Chester County Courthouse last week. For those of you who don't know, that's where the three county commissioners set up shop and once or twice a week, come out of their plush offices and hold a public meeting.

For those of you who do know, things aren't the same as they used to be.

In some way, after attending the meeting I'm actually heartened that the judges on the Court of Common Pleas decided to pass over my application for Appointed Minority Commissioner in favor of that other guy - you know, the one with the actual governing experience.

In fact, I was reminded of a scene from the movie "The Freshman," in which Marlon Brando essays his comic take on a Mafia chieftain, Carmine Sabatini, and acts as mentor to young Clark Kellogg, from Vermont, played by the endearing Matthew Broderick.

It's the one where Carmine visits Clark in his dorm room at NYU, where Clark has gone to study film. Concluding his visit, Mr. Sabatini - "Jimmy the Toucan" to his friends - gets up, looks around at the concrete block walls, the stick furniture, the creaky bedsprings, and says: "So this is college? I didn't miss nuttin'."

To say that the commissioners meeting was lacking in drama and political import is to say that Terrell Owens has a strong self-image.

I'm not going to complain that the discussions held by the commissioners on Thursday lacked the fire and crackle of the prime minister's question session in British parliament. That would be unfair, pitting the amateurs against the pros.

But I expected something more than a debate over whether to accept the low bid on a contract for masonry restoration and caulking. Or a recitation on the history of the Chester County Economic Development Council and the purposes of the Industrial development Assistance Law.

If I had been selected to replace Andy What's-His-Name, I would have brought whole bunches of controversial topics to the forum. Issues like the elimination of fake Cincinnati chili from the menus of West Chester-area restaurants and the reclamation of the township of Chadds Ford into the boundaries of Chester County would play a lot more lively in the press than the allocation of $10,712.57 to the borough of Modena (Motto: "Just South of South Coatesville") for use in improvements at the Union Pump Station.

Back in the days when I covered the commissioners as a reporter, there was at least some newsworthy action from the front of the room. Irene Brooks would casually propose floating $15 billion in bonds to protect her neighbor's backyard, or D.T. Marrone might offhandedly remark that the county should reassess all property in sight every six months. If you were lucky, Karen Martynick and Joe Kenna would hold a glare-down contest.

What did the commissioners do Thursday? They proclaimed the day of Saturday, Sept. 16, 2006 as "Responsible Dog Ownership Day" in Chester County. You can believe me or not.

According to the proclamation, that day will now be devoted entirely to "enhancing the human-dog relationship," promoting the benefits of "Puppy Kindergarten" and educating the public about training for "obedience, agility and Earthdog."

Has it come to Earthdog training on the fifth floor? What would Jimmy the Toucan think?