Naming Names in Chester County

This column originally appeared on Sunday, Oct. 14, 2007

Brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, Democrats and Republicans, tall guys and short gals, please hear my words. We here in Chester County, most glorious county on Earth, most noble county in the Solar System, most awesomest county in the Known Universe, have a problem.

I noticed the problem on Saturday in Downingtown, on my way to the annual Downingtown Friends Fall Festival, the kind of event that is meant to provide absolute faith in the notion that all is well and good in the world, and that funnel cake with powdered sugar is just as nutritious as mother’s milk.

I noticed it not because I was stuck behind the annual Downingtown Halloween Parade, which was held on Saturday, which I personally believe is a perfect time for a Halloween parade, since it gives parents and kids the opportunity to spend even more money on their real Halloween costume, which they will wear in two weeks, on the official Halloween Day, which is actually two days before Halloween.

But who’s counting.

No, I had beat the parade traffic jam by a good 90 minutes and had quite enough time to wait a few minutes at the traffic light in Downingtown, where I am accustomed to seeing all manner of real estate signs pointing me to the latest grand opening of whatever subdivision is seeking to relieve me of a sum starting in “the high 900s,” as they say in the real estate biz.

And it hit me then. There, to my left, was a directional sign pointing me toward ... Round
Hill. And another, showing me which way to get to … Tall Trees.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we have run out of names to give our developments.

Time was that it seemed obvious that the builder of any new cul-de-sac or luxury housing project with a stone gate at the entrance could just dip his hand into the name basket and come up with some variation of the county’s historic/geographic/ancestoral/natural/ cultural background to name his latest masterpiece.

You know. Like Hummingbird Farm. Or Serpentine Acres. Or Fox Knoll. Or Brandywine Estates. Or Meadows at Summerhill. Or Deer Valley. Or Deer Run. Or Deer Pointe. Or Deere Ticke. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)

But like a shopper driving into downtown West Chester for the first time and condemned to circling the block for hours trying to find the perfect parking space, the ringmasters of Development Land have realized that all the good names have been taken.

After all, what self-respecting pharmaceutical marketing consultant specialist wants to spend $560,000 to buy a new McMansion in the Village of Cross Keys when the guy across the cubicle from him just spent $775,000 on a pied-a-terre at the Keys at Cross Village. Who wants to move to Beaver Creek Estate when you’re already living at Quail Hill Acres?

So we’re moving to generic place names like Round Hill and Tall Trees. It’s almost sad to know that the days of Brandywine Manor Farms and Brandywine Pointe and Brandywine Terrace are behind us.

So line up very soon, brothers and sisters, for the grand opening of Small Creek and Gentle Slope and Asphalt Driveway and Crumbling Curb Estates.

I hear the Halloween parties there start in July.