West Chester Olympics Games

This appeared on May 28, 2006


I don’t think that we have to argue over the proposition that I’m one of the better parallel parkers in Chester County. No, I don’t think that we have to waste our time quibbling over that.


I think that there are enough of the right kind of people who have seen my work and, having seen it, describe my technique as "most righteous." So I think we’ve established that when it comes to the task, nay, the art of parking, I’m up there with the Renoirs, the Picassos, the Wyeths, dare I say, the Sculthorpes of the world.

But living in a town like West Chester takes more skills than just parallel parking. It takes timing, agility, bravado, know-how, focus – all the qualities that would make up a successful Olympic athlete.

Because you have to compete at living here in West Chester if you want to lead a satisfying life.

You can believe me or not.

But just as a sort of academic exercise I’d like to go through some of the lifestyle events I participate in on a weekly basis here in the burr-ah, as Mayor Tom used to say.

The Gay Street Slalom: I don’t have to explain this to anyone who has tried to make it from the east end of the borough to the west end directly on Gay Street through the central business district on a weekday morning say, around 9 a.m. The restaurant delivery trucks are lined up on the curb like they’re waiting to hit the English Channel on D-Day, and there are cars in back, front and to the side of you.

To be successful in getting through, you have to weave your way from one land to another like skier Bode Miller, sans hangover. I can do that. I can get from Iron Hill to Ryan’s in the blink of an eye, spilling not even a drop of my morning tea.

The Post Office Dash: This is a bit of a little known event, but one that has its rewards. Running to get in line at the post office at Gay and Walnut as soon as possible after it opens is important because if you get stuck behind say six or seven other customers, you may find yourself standing in line all day, until the branch closes.

For some reason the staffing level at this branch seems stuck in the period of time when only Ben Franklin actually used the postal service in this country. The thought of having two or more clerks on duty at the same time apparently was discarded as "too risky" by the plant managers.

Need I say I average two minutes waiting time per trip? I didn’t think I did.

The Seated Half Gainer Turnaround: Particularly in play while driving in from the suburbs and encountering another one of those annoying signs telling you are entering the borough. My latest whiplash moment was the double take I did after seeing a new blue and yellow sign on Lenape Road proclaiming "Borough of West Chester" standing directly in front of an older blue and white sign proclaiming, well, "Borough of West Chester."

You tax payers are getting your moneys worth on these expenditures, I assure you.

The Beer Can Toss: Not what you think it is. It’s not chucking the can on your neighbor’s front lawn that gets you recognized in this event. No, it’s picking up the numerous cans deposited on your block the morning after the latest Golden Rams game and either shot-putting or jump-shooting them into the nearest garbage can you find on your morning walk that gets you noticed.

And the applause from your neighbors is just the icing on the cake.